Literary Pixie

from Amory Wellness

As shared in the Relationship Anarchy manifesto, our unspoken cultural norms are rooted in patriarchy. In our romantic relationships, the normal trajectory of a relationship is dating, becoming exclusive, moving in together, getting married, and having kids. This is called the “relationship escalator”. 

While it works beautifully for many, there are some it doesn’t work for. And yet, it is often preached as the only way to have a deep, meaningful connection.

It’s not, though! There are loads of different ways to have a deep, meaningful connection – romantic, sexual, platonic, familial, and whatever word we need to create to make sense of our feelings and expectations!

On Amory wellness, they have created a list of choices to help communicate and customize your relationship. While this is designed for polyamory and romantic partnerships, I also think it can be great for platonic and familial relationships too, and would like to create that! 

A big thing is that it is also allowed to change. Once you commit to something, you are always allowed to change your commitment if your situation changes, you just have to communicate! 

Here’s a pdf version: Non-Escalator Relationship Menu

The sections of the menu are:

Commitment

• Marriage
• Pregnancy/ children together
• coparenting children from other partnerships
• sharing pet(s)
• having a key
• cohabitation
• home ownership
• prioritization over other partners
• relationship labels
• planning for future
• expectation of long term involvement
• commitment to working through challenges
• commitment to relationship maintenance
• power of attorney/wills
• support through health challenges

Emotional Intimacy

• expressing happiness and joy
• offering support in hard times
• sharing vulnerable feelings
• saying “I love you”
• sharing stories about past
• sharing hopes for future
• knowing personal likes/dislikes
• using pet names
• sharing about mental health challenges
• supporting mental health work

Social Integration

• meeting metamours
• meeting children
• meeting parents/siblings/extended family
• meeting friends
• spending time as a couple with friends/family
• positive relationships with metamours
• joint vacations with family/metamours
• serving as a +1 for social events
• preventing as a couple in professional settings
• presenting as a couple on social media
• following on social media

Communication

• daily or frequent check-ins
• texting/text chat
• phone/ videocalls
• discussing work and hobbies
• discussing family, partners, relationships
• discussing politics and current events
• ability to express disagreements
• ability to address and resolve conflict
• radical honesty

Quality Time

• regularly scheduled time together
• date nights
• spending the night
• shared hobbies or activities
• vacations together as a couple
• calendar management/ scheduling initiation

Financial Management

• shared / joint bank accounts
• mutual contributions to vacations/activities
• financial support
• large gifts
• complete financial integration

Autonomy 

• balance of time together and apart
• support to pursue independent interests
• maintaining independent friendships
• maintaining independent romantic relationships
• equal distribution of relationship power
• alone time 

Physical Intimacy

• physical affection
• public display of affection
• sexual chemistry
• compatible sex drives
• kissing 
• orgasms
• oral sex
• manual sex
• penetrative sex
• mutual masturbation
• using sex toys
• condom/ barrier use
• regular STI testing
• kink play
• Threesomes or group sex