To begin to heal, I need to have safety and stability. This is what in-patient programs do, they take a person out of their environment where they do not feel safe, and place them in a safe environment so that they can heal.
While this works for some, for others the in-patient program, or mental hospital, is actually less safe and stable for them. Think One Who Flew the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kasey.
After meeting with a psychologist, a psychiatrist, three social workers, four different therapists, three doctors, and a coach trying to learn about my treatment options, I have decided that I know just as much if not more than these medical experts about what I need to heal.
Thus, I have decided to create my own in-patient program. I have been working on developing the structure, routine, and supports since I stopped working on November 6th.
At the same time I have been working on this structure since I first entered survival mode. I believe that in order to enjoy the journey, your needs need to be met. This allows you to continue to do hard work over long periods of time and not burn out.
Thus, from not getting my needs met for so long, I know exactly what my needs are:
What I need to process these things and feel safe:
- To not feel hungry and be able to eat nutritious food when I am
- Exercise and go for a walk
- Go to yoga and connect with my body
- To drink water when I am thirsty
- To get my 8 hours of sleep and have an hour to go to bed and an hour in the morning alone with my coffee and thoughts to wake up
- To be around people who are nice and kind and understanding, and people who make me feel safe
- My room to be clean and organized enough
- Access to the kitchen so I can prepare my meals safely
- To be in public spaces where people are quiet and respectful like libraries and cafes and restaurants and diners and bookstores
- Time to write and think and research the questions that I have when trying to process and understand what happened, and access the books/people to ask questions to and help me with the blind spots, and reflect deeper, and turn what happened into a learning experience.
After twenty days, I am finally feeling safe and stabile, although we are still not in the clear.
This morning, my boundaries have been crossed by my roommates, and my nervous system alarms are firing!
Yesterday when I went to cook my dinner, there were dishes everywhere. I cleaned them up so I could cook my food. Today again, there are dishes everywhere and again, I will need to clean them up to cook my food. I am trying to be compassionate and assume best intentions, but I feel really frustrated.
I think I know who it is, but either way, I know both my roommates have issues with boundaries, and so I can be kind and compassionate, but also I deserve to have my needs and boundaries met.
It is this very reason that I moved six times in the last three years trying to nurture a housing situation where I could have my needs met and boundaries respected. It is a constant battleground requiring continual maintenance.
With roommates, you are not a family, you do not work as a team to get all people’s needs met. You are different families with different needs constantly overlapping and either discussing when boundaries are crossed or ignoring when they are because it is temporary and they are just a roommate.
Family does not mean blood relation, that is just one definition. Family is a system of organizing and support. I live with my cousin, he is technically family.
As a 30 year old woman, I crave family. My uterus craves family. As a human, all people crave family. To have a life partner or partners I can rely on to share the workload and responsibilities in maintaining a home and our health and moving forward in our purpose, goals, and dreams.
It is so hard because the people I am trying to rely on don’t even know what they need and their boundaries. It requires so many hard conversations. The structure and routines to have these conversations (typically eating dinner together every night) are gone, disappeared and do not exist, or are part of religious life, but we’ve gone secular and and have stopped having Sunday lunch after Church or Shabbat dinner. These centuries old traditions have worked successfully to maintain relationships and community and have now been dumped in favor of sending random text messages whenever you feel like it about whatever is bothering you. Ugh I fucking hate it.
When I started writing earlier, I burst into tears. This journey to have a safe and stable home has been a long one, and it is only recently I have found it. This is the very reason why I am finally able to start healing and why I was trapped in survival mode for so long, and that my body knew that I wasn’t able to stop and rest yet.
As stated, this is why I know how important it is to communicate with the people who you need to rely on, and that continually not getting your need met over and over again by the same people and not being able to talk about it or express it honestly and also learn from it is trauma and what causes anxiety and depression and a lot of other mental health disorders, as well as can make someone become unemployed and homeless.
I know. I did that to myself to avoid those situations and people because that’s what my body told me I needed to do to survive.
I was tempted to go in to each of my six living situations and why they did not meet my needs and boundaries and what I learned from them, and what I need to feel safe and stable at home; but then I thought that would take a very long time, and I’m like- what do I need to heal urgently so that I can move forward.
It’s always the same
- Housing
- Work
- Relationships
- Committed Life Partners
These are the four areas of my life that are continually having issues and having to work through. My boundaries per say.
Obviously, if I am flipping out about the dishes right now and want to send angry messages to my roommates/ move out again, then that’s pretty important. Especially because one of the people I live with is my cousin and I can’t avoid him. We’re probably carpooling to Thanksgiving!
But fuck, the work issues build. I am trying to decide if I will cancel going to the run club tomorrow night trying to make new friends, and try to date again since my boyfriend broke up with me end of September, and just focus only on my blovel for the next couple of days. I can truly be ready for Thanksgiving. And can leave all this shit in November.
Okay. This is what I need to process.
I need to control the narrative, I don’t want to leave like a victim, I want to leave feeling strong. I want to be 31 and I want it to be 2025. I want this period of my life to be over.
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