Literary Pixie

Well, as you know I did survive year two, but it was worse- much worse. That summer off though – was brilliantly delightful.

I had made it. I survived my first year and got to my first ever teacher summer. I flew to London and Europe, where I hadn’t gone for three years since COVID and got to spend time with friends and family. A little part of me thought I might get back to London and regret moving back to LA, but I didn’t.

London, while lovely, felt like my past. There didn’t seem a meaningful future there. In London, I lived the life of a privileged expat and was happy to enjoy the whip cream. Attempts I’d made to submerge below the whip cream had pushed me up as people told me that I was American and not British and that it wasn’t my problem. Mate! I have two passports and family in London, but okay.

That started my wondering- how long do you have to live somewhere before you are allowed to be considered part of that community and have your needs met and your opinions respected?

Then I went to New York to see my sister and took the train from New York to Los Angeles over two weeks. I understood America in a whole new way. It’s massive!

And so I returned to LA feeling confident that I made the right decision in returning to LA in 2019 and proud of myself for becoming the person I had set out to be.

I started the year optimistically. This year I would have two co-teachers instead of one. I also would be starting my Masters at CSUN in Secondary ELA Education. I thought this would be the perfect thing to help me develop the professional community and teacher resources and supports that I had been looking for in my first year, but couldn’t access because everyone wanted to go home immediately when the bell rang.

This year, I also decided that instead of being evaluated on my 9th or 12th curriculum, which I felt more confident in – I really wanted to focus on preparing a better curriculum for my ELD students.

I tried setting up a happy hour, which I did, and got involved in the Sunshine Committee – a group organized to develop teacher community. I wanted to spend time with teachers outside of school and get to know them so that I could have some mentorship and community. We did a few coffee mornings, but then when I organized a happy hour after asking for the leaders feedback and permission- the lead teacher sent me an angry email saying that they had not said it was okay and that I could get in trouble for organizing it. When I did ask, and she did say it was okay! Ugh!

I was so annoyed and left the committee after that.

I was grateful though, one of the history teachers in the Academy had been very kind and we’d started having lunch every day in her classroom and going for drinks. She was teacher goals and gave me hope and advice. I was so grateful!

I was a little confused because at the end of year one, I had been able to visit three different high schools to observe their ELD programs, and I realized that the situation at my school was not like the other schools.

At the three other schools, they had an entire ELD department with both ELD, ELA, Math, Science and other teachers working to support English Learners, as well as had ELD 1 and ELD 2 in separate two hour blocks, so the teacher was only teaching a double block for ELD 1 AND then two double blocks for ELD 2 (teaching three classes with two curriculums). While I was supposed to be preparing ELD 1 and ELD 2 curriculum for the same two hour block and teaching both at the same time, while also teaching 9th Honors and 12th Honors with my two different co-teachers.

I was starting to realize things were not normal about my situation. Until then, I had assumed that most of the teachers had an equally challenging prep schedule. But then, I started to question it.

In the first department meeting of the year – finally in person!- there were three new teachers. They all had two preps and no co-teachers, as is in the union contract.

In my first year, I didn’t question my workload or speak up because I trusted my mentor teacher, administrator, co-teacher, and heads of department that this was legal. Whenever I voiced concerns, everyone promised that the first year of teaching is always hard and that my second year would be better. It was the same job, I’d already done it once. I just needed to do it again, but better.

I started to do it again, but it was just as hard if not more so. My expectations were higher and so were theirs. They wanted to see improvement, and so did I, but it was still day to day survival.

Also I had two co-teachers instead of one that I had to talk with every day and communicate about the plans. For one co-teacher, the lesson plans and EGI grading scale Ms. Pleasant and I had developed was new to them, which took a lot of time to teach and explain and confusions.

And then because the pandemic was improving, people from all over the world had rushed to the border and my class of 10 students of ELD 1s and 2s was now 30.

At this time, I still had thought my workload was reasonable and that all the teachers had a similarly challenging workload.

Then one day, I subbed for another ELA teacher who’d been there for four years. She only taught two curriculums, 9th Honors and AP Research. That was it. No co-teachers, no ELD. Nothing.

In her period 6 9th honors class she had 14 kids. I had 4 in mine for the same class, why couldn’t they just put them together?! Having 25 in one and 4 in other made it almost like two different preps. It was crazy!

I did not understand why they said the schedule had to be like this! This seemed DUMB!

There were some highlights though:

• My students were really into writing short stories, and a group chose to participate in NaNoWriMo and write a novel. I was able to organize my friend Elizabeth, a published novelist, to come and visit.
• I also organized for Get Lit to come as a collaboration with a few teachers for the end of our Poet X unit.
• One of my ELD students played varsity soccer, and I drove to a local high school to watch him play in the finals – and he hit an amazing goal!
• I went on a school retreat to a beach resort and got my own luxurious hotel room and made friends with some of the teachers!
• I saw Dolores Huerta speak at a social justice conference!
• I volunteered at the Pasadena Literature Festival, and so did one of the students from Emily Dickinson High School!
• We had the teachers’ strike, and I got to finally have normal conversations with many teachers I had never spoken to, as well as meet educators from other schools!

But mostly, I felt angry!

I was furious about what was happening to my ELD students. They were all failing their Math classes, and their Math teacher had been talking to me about it. 40 kids in one room. She said the admin were no support, and I said the same.

I went to the ELD District meetings and they told me they had no power and that it was all at the school site.

I tried to contact the community college and see what their curriculum was so I could better prepare them for when they go graduate high school and transfer to Pierce (as is the path for most since they often don’t have the grades or money for Cal State, UCs, or private). I wanted to prepare them to pass the exam so they didn’t need to continue taking ELD courses when they were there, or would at least be in a higher level.

The ELD Coordinator at the time barked at me, “You are forbidden from going to that meeting.”

Ugh I was so angry! I hated that man, he was about to retire and barely worked and talked about his cruises and refused to visit my class unless it was about testing and deflected all my ELD questions to someone else despite being the ELD Coordinator. The kids hated him, he was rude and condescending and disrespectful.

What made me more mad was that his role was technically elected, although no one ever ran against him.

I was so mad. My students deserved better, I deserved better. And yet, because I could not advocate for myself, I could not advocate for them.

After surviving the first semester, Russia attacked Ukraine and soon I had five to ten Russian and Ukrainian students appear one day in my class.

To be honest, that was one of my favorite parts of teaching ELD. You never knew when (the admin would not message in advance) but a kid would just show up barely speaking any English and belong in your classroom, and it was their first day and you were their teacher in America, and it was such an honor and joy to be part of their story.

How I wanted to have a better process for welcoming and setting them up at the school, classroom, and community, but I was already overwhelmed.

Also, my EGI grading was still very confusing and trying to explain and use the system with two different co-teachers instead of one was very complicated as they both understood it differently and had different grading philosophies.

The new co-teacher Mr. Great was a harder grader and preferred the more traditional style, while my first co-teacher Ms. Pleasant and I had been more relaxed graders and thus it hadn’t been an issue that much.

I wanted to improve it, but I was trying to focus on creating a curriculum for my ELD students, also while completing my induction program still, finishing up my CalTPA exams that I didn’t finish during my credential because of the pandemic that if I didn’t submit them by the end of the year would expire and I would have to pay $300 to take them (later they would just allow all teachers who got their credential during the pandemic to skip it, but they hadn’t announced that yet – we were just suffering).

I also had started my Masters at CSUN. I again thought I’d immediately be given access to loads of ready to use lesson plans that I could drop in immediately for all the different classes I taught, but that was not the case.

Instead we read lots of different pedagogical articles about how to teach reading, writing, speaking and listening; talking about different issues in teaching; and created research groups about problems we were having at work.

It was largely supplementary to what I was doing at work, but it wasn’t work. Eventually by the end of the year, I did make a few friends who shared lessons with me that I used, and I found the confidence in myself to design lessons. I enjoyed reading the articles and would get into a flow dreaming about all that I could do with my students once I was teaching two preps like most of the other teachers at my school.

Around November again, I thought about dropping out. Things were terrible and horribly stressful with me waking up at 5am to do my work and then staying up late and working Saturdays and Sundays.

This time, my home life was not good! I had decided to move closer to school, however, it was very isolating. The friends I thought I was moving in with decided to prioritize starting their own family and ended up getting engaged while I lived there. They have now bought a house and have a baby.

I had a boyfriend, but he had burnt out from teaching music at a fancy private school, and thus when I would vent, would end up getting triggered, talking about his experience, and then telling me I should quiet. He was launching a start up and only wanted to focus on that. He only wanted to see me on the weekends, which wasn’t enough for me. I kept breaking up with him and saying this wasn’t working, but then he’d say he loved me or invite me to his sister’s wedding, and then I felt too tired to fight it anymore, and we’d keep dating.

At one point I felt so overwhelmed, I told him I wanted to drop out of my Masters.

I do appreciate that he told me to stay in the Masters and that he was proud of his own Masters and that his mother had encouraged him to complete it to, and that it meant something.

It was a stressful time, and I was working constantly – reading articles on my phone to keep up with the workload. Eventually it got so much, that I just decided to do the bare minimum to get an A, no more no less.

I focused on my survival and self-care. I did just what was essential and everything else was a no. I set rigid boundaries and created a tight routine that made sure I got my needs met.

I started the count down again.

But this time, I was upset. I had realized that I was the only teacher in the ELA and ELD department with this workload and that it was not fair. I also learned that the workload had been in violation of the contract. I brought this up to the UTLA rep, who told me that since I wasn’t a new teacher anymore, it didn’t matter and there was nothing they could do.

Finally, because of in-person meetings, I began develop friendships with two more experienced ELA teachers, and it felt like a miracle. They validated me and said that was a crazy workload and they would talk to the administrators about it.

They did, and the administrator promised that I would have two preps the next year. Then, he got a job at a different school and left.

In late February, I had a horrible interaction with my assistant principal and had decided that I was done with this.

When asking for support about my work situation, my assistant principal said to me, “I have new teachers who have improved faster than you have.”

To which I got defensive and said, “Well, I have four preps and so this is a lot.”

She said, “Your schedule is normal and all teachers have it hard, maybe you’re just cut out to be a teacher.” Gaslighting!!!

I held in all my emotions until I got to my car and cried. I wailed and wailed in my car in the school parking lot until I felt able to drive home.

I don’t understand why an AP would say that to a teacher because I definitely did not feel motivated to come back to school the next day two hours before school started to try to get everything done and then stay late on top of that trying to improve anymore.

I wish I could go back in time and say to her, “Well maybe you’re just not cut out to be an administrator!”

This experience had broken me. I did not care if I stayed a teacher, I did not care if I stayed at this school and supported my community. This was too much for me and it was having a negative effect on my health.

I spoke to my professor at CSUN and she told me that there was an opening at a middle school and she could have me transferred so I’d only teach 8th. I told her yes, I’d rather do that then keep working here.

Then she said, “I asked my friends and can you really not stay? It’s really risky without permanent status…”

“I can do it,” I said and then gave myself permission to be miserable for three more months. But that was it! I was changing the situation whether it was changing schools or changing my line, but everything felt wrong and I needed change.

For the next three months, I cried when I needed to cry, I complained when I needed to complain, I accepted my negative thoughts and frustrations, and told myself that it was temporary and that once I had permanent status and my credential cleared, I could do anything I wanted. Everything would be better.

I wanted to fight for my ELD kids, but I was at will employed and I needed to survive the next few months in order to have the safety required to fight for them. Thus, I prioritized my own career and got through the day.

It was horrible. It was my personal nightmare. Unsupported! Trapped in a room! 35 students with refugees from Ukraine for two hours while trying to make two other lesson plans and collaborate with two other teachers.

I could not give the students what they deserved, I could not figure it out. And then not only were the other teachers and admin disrespectful towards me and questioning my strength and ability to do my job, but the students began to walk all over me. I cried alone in my classroom; I cried in front of my students. I called crying to my family and friends. I cried driving to school. I cried so many times. I didn’t care anymore.

In March, I asked if they could change my schedule as they had said they would in December – I was sent from the Assistant Principal(AP) of the academy to Head of ELA Department to the AP of ELA back to the AP of the Academy to the AP of Counseling to the UTLA representative to the AP of counseling. I got tired of it. I was trying to follow the protocol and not go above anyone’s heads, but I was being sent on a wild goose chase.

I went to the principal and told him that the four preps and two co-teachers was too much, and I needed to do what I needed for my health, and so I hoped he would give me two preps and that he would sign to allow me to transfer schools if he could not do that.

He told me that in order to transfer that I would need to get Meets Standards on my evaluation or I would have to stay.

I was a few months from clearing my credential, finishing one year of my Masters, finishing the induction program, and achieving permanent status.

I channeled my inner Brit, and carried on! While everything inside of me said stop, said I hate this, said this is a nightmare, said, I can’t believe this is happening. I persevered.

I applied at other schools and got a few interviews, but I didn’t get any roles.

Then, I found out that they were going to change my class schedule from ELD 1 and 2, 9th and 12th (4 Preps), to Advanced ELD, 9th, and 12th (3 Preps). This sounded amazingly better, I also really do love my students and had met some great colleagues and loved supporting the neighborhood I grew up in, and thought that I could continue to improve things.

I also thought that it would be better to finish my Masters at the same school because changing schools is stressful and having to prepare new lessons while in grad school would be more stressful, so I thought.

My second year felt way worse than my first year. Mostly because I was told it would be better than my first year and then it was worse to the same, and so I felt ashamed that I had not improved at all.

Oh this was a year from Hell. But I survived, I fought, I made changes. I got through it.

When that summer came, I was exhausted. I went to Colorado for a week and took a print making class and worked on a manifesto zine for the Literary Pixie vision.

I did a writing fellowship at the CSUN Writing Project, and did a short trip to the UK.

I felt anxious and tired the whole time. In August I moved again, this time to a studio. I started dating, again, this time another working teacher – which I thought would allow me to get the emotional support I needed to thrive.

But I had done it, I had three preps instead of four. Things would be better next year, I had hope.

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Problem: Same fucking problem as year one

Some ways I tried to solve the problem and did:

• Just go to the Principal, who cares about protocol and structure when people are not respecting your problem and making you seem weak, incompetent and selfish. I wish I had gone to him sooner instead of trying to work and being ignored and not supported by my administrators.
• Hope is very important
• Colleagues are really important and powerful in supporting us, and relationship building routines need to be invested in and put in place for the school system and a school to function and have a healthy, quality professional learning community, especially teachers of different ranges of experiences and backgrounds.
• Validation is powerful
• We need to do some analysis at how other schools organize their ELA and ELD departments to more equitably divide the workload between teachers and better serve our students.
• ELD students have specific learning needs and need teachers who are aware and have the tools, resources, and support to do so- especially less preps in order to have more time for calling home, building relationships, classroom management and cross-collaboration to support students across the whole day in all their classes, not just in their class period.
• Grad school is still not lesson planning, grade-level, and departmental collaboration. That is the responsibility of your school site. Grad school just gives you more ideas and credible research to back up your ideas when trying to do them at your school sites if your admin question you, and you meet other people who are passionate about what you are passionate about and can learn from each other’s experiences!

Break!