Literary Pixie

By Sammy Ginsberg

I have failed so many times this year
so many times
and Papa Joe passed away,
failed at three marriages
was it failure?
our healthcare system failed him
our cities and neighborhoods failed him
senior citizen 
more like second class citizen
invisible
he wanted to die
he was already dead - 
that’s what our country did to him.

to be 88 and to feel unnecessary
a burden
a waste
isolated and lonely 
and only your negative self-talk
no one understanding your illness
your experience.

All he wanted was someone to hold his hand
to be next to him in this experience
on the journey
a partner 
a life partner
how he tried
tried to love
autism before autism was a disorder
just narcissism 
just a guy who likes cars and is very angry and rigid
oh Papa Joe 
we never understood you,
the boss.

I’m sorry I didn’t come to say goodbye
didn’t visit enough
didn’t fight to help you get what you need,
I was overwhelmed just fighting for my own needs,
and failing. 

This dysfunctional city
that creates dysfunctional people.

As I walked to coffee at Obet and Del’s,
saw a man sleeping on the sidewalk,
his jacket covering his head
his white belly exposed 
on Hollywood and Winona
plopped there
intentionally?
it seemed intentional
on a busy sidewalk,
and I walked past
and tried to avert my eyes,
but I couldn’t.
So very vulnerable. 

I am drinking my coffee,
sitting here thinking -
what is a society
that makes it so hard 
for its citizens to get the 
resources they truly need
to function as humans
while you can go to 
Walmart and Target and Ross
and TJ Maxx and buy JUNKKK.

The resource we really need is love,
a scarcity in our society.

Is this the pivot point?
Perhaps I’ll stop trying to teaching in a school,
and go work with senior citizens,
go work with 
addicts, foster care youth
the mentally unwell,
the people who fall between the cracks
English learners, immigrants
and people with disabilities
the unhoused, the juvenile delinquents  
the humans treated like animals
for slaughter
worse than pets
the forgotten
the misunderstood
the invalidated, the invisible 
the ones who don’t fit into our 
one-size-fits all society,

Do I even know how to love?
I vow to learn and always be learning,
to learn the habit of love
to teach it, to model it
to walk the walk and talk the talk
to lead by doing, to lead by loving.