Just realized it’s only a few days until July. What I need is a holistic reflection and intention setting session for July. What happened in June has happened. Nothing I can change or do about it. All I can do is learn from it and move forward. It’s time to focus on July.
I originally thought I would share my holistic reflection below, but I feel anxious about it. Specifically the parts about my personal relationships and how I feel about them. That feels way too public, too vulnerable, too risky. Same with my mental health stuff.
Isn’t that odd.
There are certain parts I feel fine sharing so I’ll share those. I’m going to censor the parts I feel anxious about sharing, and reflect on why I feel that way.
TBH, I have always dreamed that my life partner and I would both do this monthly and share it with each other, and talk about how we can support each other that month.
I have also imagined doing this with my students in class (to help them develop their executive functioning skills), since this monthly practice has been so valuable to me and helped me move out of darkness and back into the light, to let go of past mistakes and grievances, and focus on the present and using the past to become more wise and create a brighter future for myself.
| Category | Reflection | Actions |
| Housing | I am at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. I am a bit messy, they would be so annoyed. I need to do laundry and clean the dishes. Also my Dad wants me to clean out the house and start emptying things for him and go through the mail and get checks signed for him, but I feel really overwhelmed right now doing that. I paid my rent so I don’t have to worry about that until I get back. That’s good. I left my house the way I left it. Nothing that can be done now. Since I’m here for so long, I need to organize my bedroom and put my clothes away. Instead of just piled on the floor, and set up some cleaning routines and eating. | Do laundryClean the kitchenSet aside time to do the tasks that Dad asked of meOrganize my bedroom and put my clothes in the closet instead of on the ground.Create a housing tasks list/routine and start implementing. |
| Physical Health | I am mostly okay. I am not eating the best I can, mostly because I have not set a routine for eating, exercise, and sleep. It keeps changing. I have got a little walk in place, in the morning. And I had one at night. But I need yoga and I am to add zumba or swing dancing. The reason I am not paying for exercise classes is because I am so confused about my budget while I am here. I need to set that up. I am leaning towards swing dancing Instead of Zumba. I found a good class on Tuesdays. I need to find a yoga class too! The walks are good. And a good yoga class. Grandma might not be in Harlow soon. I should have booked the gym earlier. Alas. | Set a routine for eating, exercise and sleepMake a budget for trip for eating, exercise and sleep, as well as for fun. |
| Mental Health | My mental health is problematic. I cried a lot and felt in a lot of anguish yesterday. I am pretty lost during the day, and feeling overwhelmed about my life and relationships in Los Angeles, as well as sorting out my work situation, and festival and things. I think I want to use this time to finish the Burnt Out Bitch and really let go and process the last couple years in Los Angeles, and integrate them into my story. ___ really triggered me yesterday ___________. I think I need to write a letter to ___, I would really like ____ to read Psychomagic and How to be an adult in relationships, and some book about communication, perhaps even attached because _____. But then I need to let go, and focus on myself- about my job and work and money situation, about finishing my passion projects and working on my lifestyle and food stuff, about becoming a yoga teacher and health teacher, and health coach. Got distracted looking at health coach programs. There is a really affordable one at San Diego Community College that is online. Was also looking at these different things. I can see what I need to learn and study. Can I create my own 5 year Doctorate Program?! In my own desired curriculum? Yoga teacher – Yoga Vibes Health and wellness coach– San Diego Community College LMFT / Social Worker / Addiction studies – LACC/ CSUN CNA program at Santa Monica Community College Teacher librarian/librarian course or san jose state – Cal State Long beach Money & time! Money and time! In the UK – I could get paid to do these programs, or pay for them – the ones I have found are affordable through the CSUN and Cal State system. I think in total it will cost $35,000 to do all these courses over a three year period. And I can start working with these programs going on. I just need to make sure that my own health needs are being met during this time – my own wellness needs, which is why I think this is a five year journey – the next period. Funny to think like that, but that’s true. Five to six years ago, I set off on a new journey. And now I have learned a lot and have new things I would like to do and accomplish. I can plan that far now – my goals and intentions and focus. The thing that makes me anxious is having a family. Finding a partner and raising kids, and investing in these long-term life partners. That’s my health. I need those things for my health. | Finish writing Burnt Out Bitch Write letter Make a plan for my courses and curriculum and job Create a financial plan to pay for these studies and the years?Can I take out a loan? I think it will help with my credit score? |
| Passion Projects | My passion projects are the things that will help me with my physical and mental health, that has become my new passion is learning the things I need to learn and then teaching others what I have learned. For me – the connection between art and literature and culture/ and physical and mental health is what I am wanting to learn – and then going into building the infrastructure for making these skills and resources accessible and sustainable and divesting the money to these preventative healthcare methods, as well as making these programs accessible to students who are younger – getting kids working and engaging sooner and providing real value – since we just don’t really at all until like we’re 20, or 22, or 26 – just playing baseball! Those guys were nice, but damn – that’s just not reality or providing any sort of real service to society. My passion projects can be jobs. I am not trying to climb up, I am trying to learn. | |
| Transport | My car is fine! May need to charge it soon. | |
| Finances | I really need to look at these. I think I could take out a loan. Possibly from my parents. If I put my plan together and how much money I need. It really comes back to my lifestyle expenses. I have money saved. Instead of buying a house, I will pay for more education. I wish I could do this while teaching, wait I can – as a substitute teacher and as a reading coach, and while tutoring. Once I do the CNA / home aide course – I can easily get a job doing. Saw they are hiring down the road. See plenty of jobs I can do, also while running the Los Feliz Writing festival, and setting up the nonprofit/ my Literary Pixie tutoring, health and wellness coaching, therapy, yoga teacher practice. | |
| Relationships | My relationships are okay. I am so overwhelmed managing the relationships in different places and not doing an amazing job with getting my needs met and supported. My UK support network and my LA support network. How do I integrate them and find the balance? How do I get my needs met? And finding partners in my lifestyle needs and getting the support that I need. This I think has to do with communicating my plan and my needs with people. My vision, my work, my Day to day. Not everyone. I don’t need that many people to understand and support me. Just a core few people. I want to do research – but the cost of a PhD/Doctorate? To try to use the system to study what I want to study, and how much it will cost, when I don’t even want to teach at a university, and also plenty of people teach at universities without PhDs they write books and have practical experiences and then they get honorary degrees. This is my PhD program, my research project. I have the masters, already, I know how to do it. But I really do need to think about my needs and balancing. When I am working and not working and all the things that go around what I am doing, and giving myself time to do it. Neighbors Colleagues Family Friends Partner The thing I feel sad about is growing further away from people I really love and care about, that we are making different choices and different pathways – and how to stay connected and in each other’s lives, and also like – wishing I had people who knew me for a long time who were making similar choices as me, and wondering why the people I have developed such close relationships too are not on the same path as me. Why am I building and investing in relationships with people who cannot help and support me on my journey? And why are the people who can so far away that our relationship is predominantly long-distance and virtual? I am glad I am here with my grandma and it’s been nice seeing friends here, and I have had some good calls with friends over there. Feeling split between two realities and overwhelmed. |
FYI – I realized what I felt uncomfortable sharing – things about other people or where I used other people’s names specifically. Other than that, I felt fine about sharing about me and what I am thinking and feeling – but when it involved other people (and knowing they had not consented to this public exposure – I felt uncomfortable and censored it, wanted to censor it, unless it was very general or mostly positive – although dang in Update 12- I shared about a friend, but it can’t be traced back to people and I didn’t say they did anything wrong – it was mostly just about meeeeee. I feel very nervous to write about other people, to share publicly about my personal relationships. I always avoid posting on social media or public displays of affection on those places. It makes me so anxious, and can feel like a violation, or I don’t want people to feel left out or they weren’t invited. I think this has to do with some hurts that I have had being left out or when I am in a bad mental health space and feeling lonely and misunderstood, and seeing pictures and posts of people being happy with friends or being madly in love with their partner or family members and feeling sad or jealous or scared or hurt or wishing I’d been invited, and I start to spiral – and I don’t want to do that to other people, but then also like – so many people post that I can’t tell if I am the weird one or if I’m not validating our relationship and the quality of it by not sharing publicly and posting. Ughhh – this to be unpacked in my We Need Each Other Project – which is probably next because from my reflection it’s clear – that if I go back to school and study and do my research for the next five years, I need to make sure I have the support system and relationships I need to do the work, as well as the healthy and joyful lifestyle to enjoy the journey rather than be fixed on getting the end destination and the rewards at the end).
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