By Sammy Ginsberg
Ah guys! I am freaking out. I am at a crossroads and feeling overwhelmed by the decision, as well as so tired of living in this limbo situation. Literally two months of limbo ruminating and overthinking – to quit or not to quit? If I quit, what will I do? Will I be okay?
It’s also fucking terrifying that the minute I resign I lose my fucking healthcare. Like how fucked up is that. Not only am I taking a financial risk in order to prioritize my health and get into a better situation, but now I have to cut of all my doctors and what happens if something happens to me?! America!! Why!?!?!?
This is so dumb!!! How can this be economical?! How can this be what freedom and justice is?! So the school district fucks me over and the stress of it harms me, and I feel forced to resign – and now I have to take a $50,000 pay cut and lose my healthcare. Like what the actual fuck!?
I’m scared. I am scared to take this kind of risk, to take this huge cut at 31, and yet, I don’t see things improving for me at the school.
I attended the ELA training on Monday and Tuesday. I wondered if going to the training would reignite the spark in me to teach, or give me some amazing solution I hadn’t thought of yet.
It didn’t. Just more resources! More choices when trying to create four fucking curriculums with not enough support. I don’t need resources, I need mentors, and teacher-friends, and a professional learning community that I can actually fucking access with real fucking people. Whenever anyone tries to pressure me to go back and do that workload, this super ugly, traumatized feeling is released.
I’m not going back.
The question is to resign now and become a substitute teacher OR try to get my doctor to give me medical leave for a year to rest.
I also had a second round interview as a reading coach for elementary students as well as a phone screening interview as an account executive for LA for a textbook publisher. These sound way more exciting than subbing.
The interesting thing is that when I wasn’t thinking about teaching and the problems, and just letting my mind wander and go to what feels joyful and exciting – it’s publicity and marketing roles. Wanting to do publicity and marketing roles for education organizations, for educators, for academics, for artists, for poets, for writers, for festivals, for local government.
And organizing festivals, and community events. That’s what makes me light up, and feel so excited!!
I saw substitute teaching as something I could do for my healthcare and income while working on these projects. Reading the job description, I do have to work two days a week. Maybe more? It wasn’t clear. I’ll call about that.
Okay, just called and I would just need to be available two consecutive days a week, so like Monday and Friday, or Monday, Tuesday, or Tuesday, Wednesday or something like that, and then the rest of the days I could do what I want to do. Okay, that’s low commitment.
Then I could do my tutoring, and trying to set up my own PR and marketing business. The other job I applied for would also be two days. So I would do those two jobs – and then I could use the rest of the time for my health. I think that would cover my bills, other than healthcare. I will have to sort that out.
I think if I was working those days I would be able to get my bills and expenses paid off. I could also do my yoga training course (that’s my real dream). I might not be able to go on lots of trips and things, but I could focus on my dream of my PR agency.
Or yes, maybe I’ll get that Account executive job! That would be so cool and amazing. It’s 60% traveling!
Okay, these are two amazing options. And I could do my tutoring as needed. I think that is a really good idea, if I need to supplement my money. I will go back to teaching eventually. I might try a charter or somewhere else.
I would rather do that than take the medical leave. I like the idea of my future being open. Of this chapter as the Burnt Out Bitch being well and truly done.
If I get rehired, I get rehired. If I don’t, I don’t. I will find the right school, and have faith that it will all work out the way it’s going to. I have to channel love not fear.
The Leave of Absence is a fear choice – that’s me holding my spot, holding my seniority in case someone fucks me over, and forcing LAUSD to take me back if I don’t find a good school or if there are massive budget cuts (Which there has been) and they have another shortage.
Although, after learning that at one charter school company that all teachers get 2 curriculums, and if you have to do 3, they pay you a stipend – I am a lot more open to charter schools, since the UTLA contract really fucked me without this clause.
I am open to private and charter or a smaller school district now, or even teaching abroad at an international school or summer camps. After these four nightmarish years at LAUSD, I can see now why teachers and parents with resources have chosen to leave the system.
You can’t change the system, but you can make it smaller with more resources (and the ability to take those resources – literally, I heard wealthy parents offering to supplement a club, and they were told, that’s not okay – that’s bribing. How is it bribing when everyone benefits and the only reason the parent wants to bribe is because the school system is preventing their student from getting what they need, and they have the resources to supplement, they want to invest in the system but the system won’t let them).
I want to spend the next year or two researching. I don’t want to be rushed to return to the classroom. I will go when I’m ready. I will go when I feel like it. The Leave of Absence makes me feel pressured, like there is a deadline.
If subbing doesn’t go well, that’s fine! More of a reason why I’m glad I left teaching, and to find a different job.
Plus, as I said above – the idea of returning to PR and Marketing and Communications and Distribution lights me up and makes me so excited to be alive!! So excited for my future!! Being a yoga teacher, and playing around with setting up a microbusiness makes me super excited as well! Getting involved and publishing all about cultural institutions and nonprofits, and running workshops and getting press passes again and activism and supporting teachers with a burnt out teacher support group, and working at the CSUN Writing Project and supporting the Book Arts Festival and literary magazines and maybe teaching at the local community colleges or senior centers or after school programs makes me feel so so excited. Setting up an 826LA in the valley or something like that – so so excited. Setting up teen writers festival and kids writers festivals at schools, and in neighborhoods poet laureate programs!
I feel nervous losing my healthcare to do this, but if I don’t change now, I know that I will actually need to use my healthcare because I won’t be able to manage my health, where if I change now, I can. And I can do a lot of preventative health, and become a health coach as I dream of doing, and maybe an LMFT or social work program- oh, the visions, the ideas, and none of them are English Language Arts teaching.
It’s time to take the risk, to take the jump, to let go.
I have a new vision now. Well, it’s mostly inspired by my dreams as a child.
For my high school graduation present, my Dad took me to Book Expo America. It was beautiful. I have always loved books, publishing, and communications. I dreamed of the literary life. That’s why I set up this blog the summer after I graduated.
Got the name idea of Literary Pixie in this very house, awake at 3am because of jetlag.
It’s time!
I’m tired of trying to be school appropriate. I never was good at that.
Before being a teacher, I played with the line of appropriateness and it brought me lots of joy. I leaned into my quirkiness. I delighted in my neuroticism. I wrote descriptions in my head and whispered lines of poetry. I felt inspired! I called myself an artist. I called myself a poet. I called myself a writer.
For the last five years, I’ve been mostly called a teacher. I became a teacher because I wanted to be a writer and a teacher of writing, because I wanted to teach students the tools that I had saved my life over and over again, that have helped me heal my trauma and make friends and capture the beauty of being human. Not a teacher. I will find a way to be teach writing, but this way is not working.
It’s time!
I’ve sent in the form.
It’s done. I’ve resigned. I no longer work at LAUSD as an ELA teacher, and I will be working as a substitute starting in August.
Mic drop.
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