By Sammy Ginsberg
Lol! Day 1 of subbing went like this. I accidently didn’t set my alarm for 6am. Slept until 7:30am. I’m one of those weirdos who puts their phone on airplane mode during the night. I turned my phone off airplane, waited to see if I had a missed call (sub requests can only come via phone call?!? at least that’s what the paperwork said).
No missed calls! Thank god! And thus I got ready thinking that I could get a call at any moment and have to drop everything and chuck it in rush hour traffic to any school in LAUSD.
No call came through. I journaled, had my coffee. When I filled in my daily check-in form for August, I clicked all of them. AH! It’s happening again. Trying to do everything all at once is why I burnt out in the first place. Self-sabotage!!!!
Then instead of doing the thing I said was my priority, I spent time just researching LAUSD. I found their public data tracker. I wanted to see how many other teachers had resigned and burnt out last year just like me, but that data is not available.
I wanted to see what goals LAUSD is tracking because creating projects that address those goals would be more likely to be funded and supported by LAUSD. I looked at the different departments and districts, I looked at who are the representatives of those and how to contact them.
I wandered along the same paths of should I become a School Social Worker and complete the MSW program at UCLA or should I become a School Librarian and do the Teacher-Librarian Credential at Cal State Long Beach. I signed up for an information session for the Teacher Librarian Program.
I have also signed up for PhD and EdD information sessions at UCLA because I am contemplating that. I nearly clicked on the tab for scholarships but decided not to. That would be a waste of time until I decide what pathway I want to pursue.
Then I looked at all the schools in the area that I wanted to contact that I would consider working at full-time as an ELA teacher based on convenience to where I live, and introducing myself, sending my resume, as well as saying that I am a registered sub.
I dreamed about attending all of their faculty meetings and assessing for relational aggression and toxic work culture. I imagined a document where I would count the micro-aggressions. How many teachers are on their phone during the faculty meeting? How many teachers role their eyes when the Principal talks? How many teachers actually talk during the meeting?
Do you think the administrators would like that data?
I went on the School Mental Health Website. LAUSD is starting an I Matter Campaign for student mental health, but nothing for teacher mental health. My experience working for LAUSD showed me that I the teacher do not matter at all! I am a disposable resource with no power, authority or control over my workload, work culture, or professional development support.
I sent some emails about the group therapy program and have had no responses. This school district is so large! How do we build community? I thought about applying to teach again, but I know that if I went back in right now, I would simply burn out again.
Even my friends who have gone back to work, they are already overwhelmed and I won’t be able to rely on them for a bit as they meet over 100 students and adjust to things. They are back in survival mode.
Yesterday, I applied for a job at Substack, which was kinda exciting! I also got offered another possible contract role that I need to create. Which is cool! So many of those. I need to figure out the money part and the time, and create the structure. I am trying to work on so many things at once. Should I be trying to get substitute teacher roles? Should I be trying to figure out funding for my position at these two universities? Should I start my own consulting business/tutoring/college counseling/comms/distribution/grantwriting business through Literary Pixie? Should I just be hanging out and working on my health? But financial health is health, and right now my finances are not good. I have no secure financial plan or income coming in.
The goal is stability! This is what also freaks me out about applying for Masters. I have no money coming in and yet I have to pay out. But both of those degrees I have to do to get the job that I want. They are gate opening degrees. Not just ‘supportive program giving me time to work on my passion that won’t result in a better job or a job I couldn’t get without the degree’. I need these degrees to get the job that I think would be a better fit for me.
The idea of going back to school and working makes me anxious again. I just finished a Masters! It was so stressful. I don’t want to do that again until I am stabilized. What does that mean?
That’s the whole point of this project. The world is very destabilized right now. I am going on Instagram and they are talking about teachers waking up early to monitor for ICE raids. Dude these teachers are gonna burn out so hard. Their job is already stressful enough, and now they are having to do security work and get there even earlier. Part of me thinks I should volunteer my time to do that for a school site. And yet, I am not really connected to a school site.
Like it’d be one thing if the Union rep at the school who I trusted and knew was organizing people, and thus I went over and volunteered. But that’s not happening. I emailed the substitute teacher union rep and had no response.
And with Palestine and Gaza and Donald Trump’s crazy executive orders with no money or support to get done what he says needs to get done. And then so many cultural events that want me to pay money to go to them when I don’t have money because I have no income coming in. I thought I did but clearly substitute teacher money is not a guarantee.
I am confused on what to focus on. Okay. Well clearly the first goal is to have financial stability. I feel guilty spending money when I literally have no guaranteed income coming in.
Well, I have income. A stipend through CSUN. That should be my number one. And the festival. Do I focus on the money in September? Ugh. I need a year long plan.
I was just telling my friend that it’s like I broke my leg, and now I’m in a cast. The cast will be off in a year, but right now I’m healing.
Except that when you break your leg, that usually happens in one quick moment and it’s over. A car accident. A fall. I’ve been in four years of daily car accidents. But now the car accidents have stopped. I’m not driving anymore so I can’t get in any car accidents. I’ve gone to surgery, and they’ve put me in a cast. I’m not sure if this is the right comparison, but either way. I’m in a cast on like every single body part, and I need people to be delicate with me. Except obviously, with mental health – people don’t see a cast on your body. They just see a healthy looking person.
Is anyone a healthy person these days? Even people who are “healthy”, personally I think are actually just disassociating and avoiding the shit they need to work on.
Oh that was another idea I had – should I do my health teaching credential? I was going to become a yoga teacher. I had been thinking about it constantly for weeks, and then decided I didn’t have the money to do the program.
Also that I don’t need to be a stressed student, I need to be a healthy, happy functioning adult. Whatever the fuck that means. I need to figure out what that means. So many education programs make it impossible for one to function as an adult. They are designed for children, for people who are part of a functioning family system where money, healthcare, and housing are provided for. But that’s not the world we are in today.
Many people are needing to keep learning, expanding their network, and having community – and we relegated that to school and work, but school is designed for you to pay, and work is designed for them to pay you. But work expects you to not need to learn, and school expects you to not need to work. It is another either/or dichotomy that is so outdated and privileged that it’s fucking dumb.
What do we do with this information? How do we organize the change?
But also – what does it matter if I can’t afford to my living expenses? If I can’t figure out a job that allows me to be healthy and stable?!
I am creating it. I am creating it at these two universities with these two professors, with this festival. I have a vision. I just need some financial stability to get me to the end of this year. Do I Do the Librarian credential in the Spring? That is the quickest and most logical change. Or do I just work at the Universities? It’s the curriculum anxiety? I need to prepare my curriculums to teach. That’s my fear in going back.
Also what is the fastest way to more money? Honestly, I do need to send the email to substitute teach & I do need to set up the tutoring/college coaching online. And I need to reach out to the teachers that I was given and ask to interview them, and I need to research education grants.
Also, my parents. It’s the fucking truth, and don’t we all know it.
Oh and write your reviews!!
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