By Sammy Ginsberg
I realized that I think I just need to take a pause, return to my plan and look at the progress I have made, as well as where I need to go next.
I divided stability into 6 sections:
- Money
- Housing
- Lifestyle
- Purpose & Contribution
- Relationships
- Systemic Societal Support
I am going to go into each one and update my progress.
Money
Looking at this list, I have realized that the trigger for my anxiety currently is money. Financial instability. I am freaking out because I don’t have a stable income coming in. After the Los Feliz Writers Festival finished and I realized that substitute teaching is not a stable source of income as well as not ideal for my current health needs, I started to freak out.
I had imagined I’d easily substitute teach 2 to 3 times a week and then I’d have loads of time to focus on the other parts of my life, while having a job, and be financially secure.
That first day, I did not get a call – and then this being on call thing merged with pressure of the festival ( which ended up taking like full-work days and being loads of work!! but also it went super well and amazing) on top of trying to work on the two projects for the two professors – it was just all too much!!
And then because the festival went so well and I have had a few opportunities to make a proposal and consult for more communications work, and thought maybe I could write grants to do the PR and Marketing for next year, I started to think about doing that! However, I have found that I really like organization and structure and coordination, and that because the work is part-time/volunteer work – that’s just an impossible ask, as well as the variety of skills and experience of people.
I am quite sensitive and need a small team, and clear structure and supports. I need goals, I need division of responsibility, I need grace. I need communication protocols.
I get easily overwhelmed. And currently, I am recovering – and just got back from a long trip/ was literally on medical leave for mental health challenges for like 3 months last year and am still recovering. I can’t handle that much stress. I need a low stress environment to heal.
What commitments have I made, and how can I take them off? How can I make them take less time? How can I remove this financial anxiety?
I think a big anxiety is that since I have started to reconsider going back into the classroom, I am feeling anxious about full-time employment opportunities, and that maybe I need to apply for full-time work. I am starting to wish I took that reading club job! Then I would have secure employment 2 days a week instead of subbing for LAUSD. I thought it would be the best path back into being a full-time teacher.
At the same time, when I saw that role that was ELD and 9th grade, I felt so excited!! I was like perfect, I’ll go back into teaching, I’ll do that – stop trying to create this agency or run these festivals!
Is this a way of avoiding the uncertainty? I want to see my friends and drive, but the anxiety is scary, and the feeling of needing to use this time well to get back into secure employment and financially stable before I go broke is important.
Like I said, I did earn a stipend. What if I do get the substitute income to two or three days a week? What if I take it phase by phase?
At the same time, I feel like just having time to focus on health and relationships would be good, and just having a smaller purpose & contribution. The festival was a lot. What if I just do the CSUN job and the Cambridge job? What if I do them well? Set up the agency later? What if I give myself until December and set the boundaries? Get Lit will be fine. Wait until Jenn’s sabbatical is over…or do the ERWC and the GET Lit – get trained and then possibly go back into the classroom ready to teach both curriculums. Problem solved.
What if I don’t try to set up tutoring, what if I just work on the relationships and go for coffees? What if I don’t try to substitute teach and wait until my lifestyle and relationships are healthy?
This is beginning to make sense. I am investing in myself. I can do this. I am my own sugar mamma. I don’t need my parents. I can do this for myself. So what if I don’t buy a house for a while. I will go and live with family to save up to buy. I am happy to do that. I will probably do that in June. Live with Aunt Kathy or Grandma Roz. If I do that for six months to a year working as a teacher, I’ll be ready to go! I can do that now as long as I can go to yoga, hike, and see my friends/date go to fun events every once and a while.
As long as I am not chronically overwhelmed and drowning in work. Kept hoping I would find a partner and everything would be easier. I was so close.
You’ll be fine. I think we set the structure until December.
I can read books about investing! I have a copy of Rich Dad Poor Dad. Maybe it’s time.
Housing
I am wanting to save money on housing. I wanted a place to live for a while to build relationships and have my job. But now because the financial insecurity is so stressful, I wish I could move out and not think about that. But alas. I think that if I make this apartment my office. If I focus on relationships, I will find a good support network, I will find a good partner. I need to give myself time.
I need to spend more time at home and save money. And make home a safe place, a sanctuary. I need to focus on improving my relationships and supports here. I need to make time to maintain my house.
Lifestyle
I need to spend some time on my lifestyle especially relationships part of lifestyle, food and taking care of my house. I think I will focus on that. I will create the structure and slot in the socializing. I like my list!
I have not been doing well. Not enough rest, too much socializing or socializing in ways that aren’t meeting my needs.
Purpose and Contribution
I am trying to do too many of these projects at one time and need to space them out. To give myself more time!
Relationships
I am spending a lot of time with casual friends and acquaintances and not enough time with life partners/colleagues/coaches/mentors. I need to make more time for my close friends, at the same time – I think that I am in a phase where I am developing new close friends for this chapter of my life and so that is natural, and that maybe I become okay with that! And that I am not prioritizing a romantic partner or my family right now, and that’s okay. And I don’t have a pet. And my cousin is a very low maintenance, very chill roommate. Actually that’s all so true.
Okay! That’s the plan!
Systemic Societal Supports
I am trying to build these things because they don’t exist- what I need doesnt’ exist. I am creating them. To do that I need to simply focus on taking care of myself and picking the thing that i am responsible for. This is something after I a stabilize!
I need this stability right now! I have Kaiser if I need it. Jared is leaving, but I think I will be fine – I need to develop friendships more and colleague/mentor relationships.
Okay, now that we’ve done this reflection it is clear, this month:
| Category | Goal |
| Housing | – I will make sure to have time to maintain my house in my lifestyle |
| Lifestyle | – I will eat three meals a day with one snack all vegan that I find nourishing, delicious and energizing and stick to my food budget. – I will drink water every day. – I will go to yoga 3 times a week – I will go hiking once a week. – I will include a HIIT exercise 3 times a week – I will go on nice walks! – I will get 7.5 to 9 hours of sleep every night. – I will have two nights a week when do life stuff; go to yoga; watch a relaxing TV show or read; and get 9 hours of sleep. – In the morning, I will have at least an hour to go for a walk, write in my journal and drink my coffee peacefully – I will make time to have coffees and meet people to eat and do fun things. |
| Purpose and Contribution | – I will focus on my jobs as co-director of CSUN Writing Project & Researcher for Tyler – I will focus on the Get Lit and ERWC trainings – I will work on my We Need Each Other project – specifically around social media, colleagues, friendships. |
| Relationships | – I will focus on developing stronger relationships with my close friends, casual friends, acquaintances, and colleagues who are able to support me in getting my needs met, and interviewing them for my We Need Each Other book! – I will read books about this area. |
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