By Sammy Ginsberg
“Yet I’m the one who dreamt our basic dream
In the Old World while still a serf of kings,
Who dreamt a dream so strong, so brave, so true,
That even yet its mighty daring sings
In every brick and stone, in every furrow turned
That’s made America the land it has become.”
“Let America Be America Again”, Langston Hughes, 1936
I’m happy for my friends
in happy couples
the sweet ways they care for each other
little things
micro-moments
an arm draped around a chair
a tiny eye twinkle smile
a hand placed to sooth
as we eat Thai food
and visit the Observatory
Their love
gives me hope
bad ass women
with smart, nice men
two cool people
partnering up.
There are feelings inside
but I let them hover
like tiny flecks of ash
over the Hollywood sign
Until this morning
one year since you died
you who at 19
I thought we’d create
super cute half-Japanase, half-Jewish babies
together
live in an apartment in the Village together
while pursuing our creative, sustainability dreams
two cool people
partnering up.
We broke up years ago
first love has no boundaries
even in death
our parallel universe love story lives on
in my heart
your parallel universe life story lives on
in my heart
the trajectories
our lives didn’t take
yours ending in tragedy
although perhaps you don’t see it that way
so aware of the environmental impact of a human life
“the best thing we can do for the environment is die.”
Until this morning
one year since we broke up
you who at 30
I thought we’d create
a happy life and family
together
live in an apartment in Venice
while pursuing our activism, societal impact dreams
two cool people
partnering up.
our parallel universe love story lives on
in my heart
These two life events happened the same week,
I needed more support to keep teaching,
but instead the world broke me
and I went on medical leave.
I have yet to move on,
struggling to accept reality.
you were there at Thai food
you were there at the Observatory
you were there.
The idea of attending a baby shower today
on top of returning to the classroom
after my medical leave
after housesitting for two weeks
after trying to work freelance
and learning it’s not for me
pushes me over the edge
I cancel my plans
I cry
I do what I need to do to regulate
I start to feel isolated
the whole world is fucked up
Trump and Palestine and ICE raids
credit card debt and homeless and chronic illness
I don’t deserve a violin
I don’t deserve to have America cry for me
I don’t want America to cry for me
I want a few committed friends and family
I see at least weekly
a life partner I see daily
an affordable home that’s 1/3 my annual income
stable healthcare
and a job that doesn’t traumatize me
why does that feel so fucking hard?
Why does it feel easier to become a
millionaire than have that?
Oh America
I don’t want your upgraded American dream
unlimited wealth, influence, and luxury
Could I just have the basic please?
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