Literary Pixie

By Sammy Ginsberg

I need to update you. Everything has changed. As you know a few weeks ago, I realized I was running out of my emergency money. I do have some long-term savings, but really don’t want to touch that. Having that money makes me feel safe.

I’ve learned that living paycheck to paycheck is terrible. Many people live paycheck to paycheck. Life is so expensive that all they can do is survive. However, resilience can only last so long, and it doesn’t actually improve your situation.

It is a cognitive distortion to think that if you keep doing the same thing, there will be a different outcome.

This is what I think about when I think about how we got here as a country. We are using the same system. Why would the outcome change?

This “system” is everywhere from how we organize businesses, cities, hospitals, and schools to how we date, organize our social lives, and prioritize our time.

Anyhow, when I realized I was almost out of my emergency money – by some miracle I got a call from a high school offering me a two month substitute teaching job. The schedule seemed amazing! 5 periods of 10th grade honors ELA and 1 period of journalism. And I was helping a teacher out while he was on paternity leave. More paternity leave!!

And so as of Sept 29th I am back in the classroom. I have taught for 3 days (we have today off for Yom Kippur) and things are going smoothly. While most things the first day is the hardest, I would say teaching is not like that. The hardest part is when grades are due, the days after when students and parents are upset, and when the kids get too comfortable and start testing boundaries.

I can tell they are already starting to feel comfortable and are testing boundaries. What are my boundaries that I need to enforce?

I do keep forgetting what time the bells ring and letting them chat, although I love the sound of my students talking, of unstructured time. I think that time is the most beneficial for their health.

I am learning that I do love teaching and the kids and what we’re doing. I am learning that I can do it, that subbing isn’t scary, the kids aren’t scary. I did get anxious, but not about the kids. I keep getting scared that the principal or administrator or other teacher is going to come in and judge me, say some mean things about be, gossip about me, that I’m going to get in trouble.

And more than that, instead of seeing my mistake or inappropriateness or challenge as a call for help, and helping me get the support and resources I need to learn from the mistake – they are just going to shame me.

You’re not cut out to be a teacher. You just don’t have what it takes. You’re not good enough and you never will be.

This is what haunts me. I put a paper up that says, “You are good enough,” to remind myself. I am! I can do this. As much as I have been told over and over again by different administrators (never other teachers – most teachers tell me I can, they try to help while needing help themselves, they believe in me – and a few middle bees gossip and shame and use my failure to feel superior, to avoid looking at their own limitations and mistakes).

I haven’t been talking to the other teachers much, just trying to get through the days. But I think next week, I will. Next week, I will visit other teachers and try to learn about them.

I’ve been told that a teacher is retiring next year, and I would be interested in the position. These kids are lovely! The principal seems on it. At the beginning of the department meeting, she praised teachers that she observed – and could see the warm pride in their eyes, beaming. What a different energy.

Instead of this hostility. Feeling constantly criticized and never enough. What is it you want? Tell me! We are not enemies, we are on the same team!! Let’s make a professional development plan – give me 5 to 10 years. I plan to be a teacher for the rest of my life. I will work at this school until I retire if you love me.

At the same time, I am working on other projects and finding it very hard to make time for them. At the end of the day I am tired. I have been enjoying having dinner meetings and seeing the people and working with them. People I choose and am passionate about what I’m passionate about, and who are excited to work with me, and believe in me. It has been filling me up. On meaningful projects that I believe in.

Speaking of! I gotta start working on them. I got two minutes until the 20 minutes I gave myself to write this is up.

Also my battery is at 3%.

My projects (listed on my website) are Los Feliz Writers Fest, PorchFest, CSUN Writing Project, CATE Southland, The Feminist Toilet, and dreaming up a nonprofit with Brian! As well as this whole subbing thing.

Can I create a schedule where I can teach and do these projects? Or do I need to find another stable form of income?