Literary Pixie

Excerpt from How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo

Once we make our relationship choices in an adult way, a prospective partner who is unavailable, nonreciprocal, or not open to processing feelings and issues, becomes by those very facts unappealing. Once we love ourselves, people no longer look good to us unless they are good for us.

A person is a candidate for a relationship when he is able and willing to give and receive love, to handle feelings, to make a commitment, and to keep agreements. He can show the five A’s (attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing) in ways that are pleasing, satisfying, and non-invasive. He can forgive and let go of his ego long enough to work problems out amicably and fairly most of the time. He follows a reconciliation (not a retaliation) model in his interactions. He loves you for yourself, not as the latest women to fill the slot in his life marked “female” (Rebound relationships especially dangerous in this regard.)

A suitable candidate will probably meet the following additional criteria: 

• lives reasonably close by
• can show the full spectrum of human feeling and welcomes yours
• loves to give and receive the five A’s
• Is your friend and not just your sex partner, loves your company and is compatible
• Is willing to talk about relationship issues
• has no distracting ties that make true commitment impossible such as another relationship in progress, an old relationship unfinished, a divorce pending, family enmeshment (children do not represent an obstacle unless they require or are given so much attention that he, as a parent, is tied codependently to their needs and has no life of his own)
• has no active addictions
• Does not have so big an ego that you have to cater to it or else
• is not threatened by equality of the sexes
• Has no overpowering political or religious obsessions
• wants children if you do or does not what them if you do not
• Has the sexual capacity, accessibility, and interest to satisfy you or can work on it within the relationship
• Has no disability with respect to money (e.g., cannot earn, spend, share, save, lend, contribute, receive)
• Can give quality time and enough of it to deepen the connection in an ongoing way
• Is on a fairly close intellectual par, so you can share ideas as equals
• has values similar to yours
• Is not looking for the ideal woman/man (to need the ideal woman is to not want a real woman – the only kind out there!)
• Does not appear to you to be ideal; you are not so infatuated that you cannot see his shadow side
• Has done at least half the work it takes to be healthy in life and relationships, the work meaning has cultivated a practice of meditating, loving-kindness, letting go of control, opening up to feedback, attending to their needs, knows what feeling loved feels like and can recognize and appreciate it when it’s happening, offering support, can notice their mindsets, heartful communication (tuning into their needs and the other person and can be compassionate and caring), is truthful
• satisfies the ruthless criterion that applies to all significant choices: that a relationship with him reflections and fulfills your deepest needs, values, and longings
• can and loves to focus on you in an engaged, lasting way
• Meets with the welcoming approval of your personal trio – your head, your heart, and your gut.