By Sammy Ginsberg
It’s been a while since I’ve updated you! A few weeks. It’s almost the middle of December! Wowww!
First, workwise! Things are going well at Skylight Books! I love it!! I am so happy there, and my nervous system is so happy. The people are brilliant! I would love to stay on and work full-time there. I would love to do more marketing/publicity work. I ran the numbers and if I work there 34 hours a week, I can just do the bookselling and my two contract marketing jobs. Wouldn’t that be just so so beautiful!
I really hope it happens. But it’s out of my control. Although I did email the owner about my ideas and discussing them. I’m going to keep writing my proposals up for her. I have so many ideas and visions!
I also interviewed at a local high school to be another long-term substitute. I’m gonna check my email now. They said I’d know by the end of the week. Nothing yet!
I decided not to apply to be the CATE Journal editor. I think I would be taking on too much! I am going to focus on SCTE and CSUN Writing Project only. That is enough.
I do think I need to apply to the community colleges! That is my next focus for work. Then, with those four positions – I would be good. Adjunct lecturer, part-time bookseller, and my two stipend roles! I am also discussing working for my friend, which would be kind of amazing – another consulting project role. And rescheduling to meet the poet.
It’s a lot of different things, but I am almost financially secure! And these jobs are all deeply connected to what I believe is my purpose and gives me meaning in life. It’s pretty magical. I feel so nourished after my job at Skylight. It almost feels illegal.
I have been feeling guilty prioritizing work, but I spoke with a friend who said, “Sammy, you’re not prioritizing work. It makes it seem like you have a choice, and you are choosing work over relationships – but you’re not. You don’t have a choice. We live in a capitalist society with financial realities and you have to work to make money to live. That’s not a choice. This is something you have to do to function. There’s a difference between choosing to work more than you need to to live and working just to live.”
This really helped me.
I left teaching because I was being forced to put work before my relationships and my own fucking health over and over again, and I just couldn’t do it anymore.
And yet, since I left- I’ve felt like I’ve been putting work first. But actually, my health is so so so much better. I feel alive. I feel like myself again. I have energy and joy and hope!
And, I’m basically making just enough to live and currently paying for healthcare out of pocket. I have a job until January 6th, and at present nothing else lined up. While I have savings, I am living in my emergency funds working hard to get to financial stability and a sustainable working situation that doesn’t make me hate myself, hate my life, compromise on my values, and burn the fuck out.
I write all this because I have been thinking about canceling my trip to New York City. I looked at flights, and it’s going to cost $800 dollars to fly for four days to New York City!
That’s more than half of my rent. And given that I don’t have a job lined up after January 6th, that just feels like too much money!
Especially as it would cost me almost the same to fly to London to see my Grandma – and I would really love to go to London for the summer and spend time with my Grandma. Also, we’re selling the family home there, and I could go there.
If I was able to go for a bit longer and meet with teachers and poetry presses and work on my career goals a bit and long-term vision, I would go. But it is just for fun! And all those places are closed/ I don’t have time to reach out to them and organize a proper trip.
And $800 and the environmental impact of the flight! And that doesn’t even include whatever events we’re going to go to and eating out. It’s definitely like $1,500 for four days for New Years and I just can’t do it.
I think I’d rather go to Colorado or fly to Europe and book all that in advance! I waited too long. If it was less money. If I wasn’t going for a short time. If I had a job lined up when I returned from the trip.
I really want to see my friends and spend time with them.
But for that amount of money, I could invest in my consulting firm I am creating, I could do so much! I could go on a writing retreat or get some support to finish my novel. I could go on three weekend trips with friends in LA that I am trying to deepen. I could create a writing class and pay the teacher. I could have 8 stipends for the planning committee for the festival I am building. I could pay for half of my yoga teacher training!
These are things I need to live right now, to build a future for myself.
This has been the major conflict though, what feels like choosing between myself and my relationships. The navigation of it. With friends all over the world, it costs a lot of money to see them in person. And so far, I have only had one friend visit me in Los Angeles. It’s just me flying to them and maintaining the relationship.
I know, I’m the one who moved to their country. They didn’t move to Los Angeles! But still. Also, I know that many people after they move away just let go of those relationships. They focus on the people present in that chapter – the ones convenient to them, the ones that can help them now and benefit their life instead of driving and calling and flying.
We can’t expect people who live far away to come to us, and they can’t expect us to go to them. We can barely expect the people who live close by to fucking do that. Although is that the problem?
Is me spending $800 to see friends and the guilt – choosing to invest it in my career and job and livelihood just capitalism controlling me? At the same time, for the last two years, I have spent the money to go – it’s just this year that I haven’t/ don’t want to because I literally don’t have a job lined up after January 6th.
If I had taken the dogsitting job, I would have the money to pay, but also my health would be fucked and I’d be so anxious and I’d have basically destabilized my whole life for $55 a day!! and I don’t want to be a fucking dogsitter. I have a Masters in Education. Hire some undergraduate! Some responsible 20 year old! If I get a long-term substitute job, I’ll make $360 a day and have a job for a couple months. If I get the bookselling job, I’ll be making enough to live on and have a stable job for the long-term.
I know I wouldn’t have been able to function. It was so hard to live my life and dog sit the first time I did it. The money was nice, but it wasn’t worth it.
I have to prioritize my health and stability. That’s what this whole project is about. Stability Sammy.
Fuck, I just texted them that I’m not coming. It is the right choice. I know that. I have to take care of myself. I need that money for other things. I need to find a job for after January 6th.
I need to prioritize on healing my relationships and boundaries with friends and family and work.
Okay, let’s get the thing ready for Jenn and then drive to the Valley!
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