Literary Pixie

By Sammy Ginsberg

I read about doing a relationship inventory, and so I’m doing one. I have to plan my birthday party, I love birthday parties! And I am thinking a lot about friendship. About who to invite. About not being invited.

A few years ago, I published a zine called Happy Birthday Bitch or Why Birthdays Trigger My Social Anxiety, that I told my new friend Jennifer I’d republish on Literary Pixie and make a fun print version. I’m thinking about it again.

I read about a relationship inventory on two places, A Meaningful Life and Fighting For Our Friendships. Something that has been coming up for me is that it is okay that not everyone is your friend. That there are levels of friendship. And that people have different definitions and expectations of friendship. That is confusing!

That there is a difference between friends and being friendly. And that one of the things that makes me fucking spiral on Instagram is that many of my followers are not my friends, and that Facebook Friends are not actually real friends.

And the amount of times that I have seen videos posted or pictures from my friends where I felt sad that I wasn’t invited or questioned if we were friends or the closeness of our relationship because of what was posted on Instagram.

Finding out that a friend got engaged or is moving or a family member passed away over Instagram, and being like – should I reach out? Why didn’t they tell me before posting publicly. Or is this like the call for help? And it’s actually up to me to reach out individually, and that we are close. Or am I meant to comment publicly so that everyone knows how close we are?

Same for birthdays? Like am I a bad friend if I don’t do a birthday story and tell all my followers how amazing you are!

Also, am I supposed to post something on my birthday? But will my friends feel excluded or realize that I didn’t invite them to my birthday and thus they didn’t make the birthday invite list and thus we are not as close as they thought, and now they are going to fucking spiral!

But then, I’ll still ask them a favor or hit them up when I’m in town. Or they’ll be like. I just had a small dinner! We are friends, just not like close-close friends!

But then over time you’ll grow closer, but that wound is still there! Like, I remember when we weren’t as close when I thought we were close and considered you one of my closest friends but then I learned that you didn’t and you didn’t invite me.

Or when can only have a certain amount of people, and I chose someone over you – not because we’re not close but because for the dynamic. Don’t take it personally! But I am! I am!

Fuck man. These dynamics make me spiral so fucking hard.

Has it always been this hard and complicated and anxiety-inducing. I don’t think so! We live in such bigger cities and places. We have way more tools to help us maintain relationships!

I think just like dating has never been like this (so much choice!!) so is friendship. Also that relationships are so discardable!! And people moving and changing so much!! I am part of that.

Since graduating from college in 2016 (aka in 10 years), I have moved house 15 times, I have lived in three countries, I have lived in 13 neighborhoods!

On top of that, I have had 17 different jobs!

That’s wild! That’s a lot of change. And with every housing situation and job are different lifestyles and relationships and people!!

Is that normal? Is that the average? Is that what most people do? Actually – yes, could you count that number for me?! How many places did you live and jobs did you have from 22 years old to 32 years old?

That’s abso-fucking nuts!! Sammy girl!! I knowwwww.

Anyone, can see now more so why my relationships and friendship needs and so different than other people!

I am now stabilizing. Committing to people and places and jobs. I finally now myself!

Anyhow. What are realistic expectations for friends and family!? But mostly friends. That is what I have been confused about.

Who do you consider a friend and not a friend? Especially when like me, you were super close to this person spent hours and loads of time, went on trips! A vital part of each other’s support systems.

And then you fucking moved! Or stopped working together. You still love them and care deeply about them. You still want them to be healthy, safe, appreciated! You still want them to live there dreams, but you just can’t be there.

Or like me, you fly to them to keep the relationship alive! You train! You drive! Especially because you were the one who moved there. They never moved to Los Angeles.

I love the relationship anarchy manifesto because it shares that all relationships are different! Therefore, what is healthy and supportive for maintaining the relationship is different for each person. What is enough! What is realistic!

It’s been interesting to look back at times in my life when I made dear friends, and times when I didn’t. Jobs where I was there for a year, and made no lasting friends. And jobs when I was there for one month, and am still talking to those people!

Anywhooo! With my birthday coming up and the holidays, been thinking about who to invite! Especially, this year Friendsgiving and Friendsmas really hit me fucking hard. I got invited to a very new friend’s Friendsgiving. But other than that, I wasn’t invited to anything. I have friends, but I wasn’t really part of any groups.

I tell myself that I literally moved houses in April, resigned as a teacher in July and then had 3 new jobs starting in September that it was like – I couldn’t invest in friendship as much or maintain things. My friendships were newer.

But damn, I felt lonely again. I felt misunderstood. Even close friends. Like you don’t know what’s going on. You can’t help me with this. I have to make new relationships who can help me. But time is a limited resource. There is fixed amount of time. And only more responsibilities!!

How do you stay friends and maintain current relationships that no longer serve you. They meet your needs in certain ways, but they can’t show up in the way you need them to anymore. They used to. But things have changed, your life has changed. How do you update the expectations. How do you still show each other you care about them while also not being able to give them the time, energy, support that you used to?

Something has to go.

This is why I keep fucking burning out. More on my plate at the expense of my health. Too much on my plate. For too long!! Not enough support to maintain the workload. Relationships too new and too weak to support the challenges. Not enough trust. Not enough ability to repair. Not the skills.

Emotional Support, practical support, informational support. I am starting again. I am always starting again.

Although this time! 10 years after graduating from college, I can finally see myself committing for a bit.

I can see myself living in my apartment for a few years with the same roommate! (my cousin!)

I can finally see myself staying at CSUN Writing Project and SCTE for a few years! And launching my own nonprofit in Los Feliz and deepening relationships. I can see myself working at Skylight and/or finding a stable teaching job at a local school or getting a grant so that I don’t have to teach and can just focus on the projects of the nonprofit and the other roles at CSUN Writing Project and SCTE.

Finally, I can develop the depth of relationships that I have been craving. The commitment. The intimacy. Like I had at St. Andrews.

I never had those deep committed relationships in Los Angeles. Those friendships were of convenience, we weren’t taught the skills to cultivate deep, nourishing relationships then. I had to learn them the hard way. I had to learn them at St Andrews! And through reading loads of books.

Los Angeles is a city of people with attachment style issues! Especially Calabasas!! Like damn!!

This is my purpose as an educator – to teach these skills! This is what is on my bedside table. To keep learning and developing them.

This has been the book I’ve been wanting to write. We Need Each Other – Building and Maintaining Relationships in the 21st Century.

Often, I think that if I had NOT moved 15 times and had 17 jobs in the last 10 years, I would have found that committed friend group and life partner by now, like many of my friends are and do have. I’d be buying a house and getting ready to have a baby and start a family. I’d be getting married.

Sometimes I feel a lot of regret about it. I feel sad and jealous. Because I know that I want that life.

Yep! As much as I am quite a radical feminist and relationship anarchist, I know that I want a committed life partner, I want a family (aka my own dependents), I want a core friend group.

I did a lot of exploring before committing to a job (hell still exploring!), a neighborhood, a house, a roommate. I learned a lot about who I am and what I want. What brings me joy. I learned a lot about health and life.

I learned how to create. I learned how to destroy. I am still learning how to repair. How to advocate. How to negotiate. How to set boundaries. How to forgive.

I am learning how to sit in discomfort. How to thrive in uncertainty, how to navigate the constant changes of life without losing my shit.

As of write now, I have no committed life partner, I do not have any dependents, and I have a scattering of wonderful amazing friends from all the different jobs and houses and hobbies who don’t really know each other, although some do! I’m quite the connector!

Now I want to go deeper into these relationships! Well some of them. It’s important that my friends know they are my friends, who is and is not. While also knowing that can always change, that are closeness can change.

That was a big thing with one friend last year. We had not spoken for over a year, and he did not understand that the trust and intimacy was not on pause. That he could come and go as he liked and the boundaries were the same as when he left. They had changed.

Many friends have had this happen with. They think that friendships don’t require work. That the don’t have to put in the effort to maintain the relationship. That good friends if you don’t talk for ages will just carry on where you left off. That used to be true.

But with 21st century technology. The relationship is still being maintained digitally. Or like – every birthday or life event – still needs to be supported on, or the relationship does decay.

Or if are conveniently in the same place as someone, but then choose not to reach out to them to connect. And they find out. If that happens enough times. They think they can come in and give you advice, while knowing no one in your life. They just know you cus they have known you for years!

But there is no connection between the length of a relationship and the quality and depth of it. There are plenty of people I have known for years and our relationship is not very deep. Or even healthy. It’s unhealthy.

Change. Change! Our relationships are always changing. Always requiring work and maintenance. This is why you can only manage so many.

This is where my anxiety has come from. This is where attachment styles happen. This is where friendship is. The inner circle. Those people that you neeeeeedddddddd to be healthy or your health is strongly impacted.

Who together give you all the support you need, emotional, practical, informational.

Who are my people? All the people I have needed. The list is so long these days thanks to all of the jobs and houses that I have had. Such a long long long list. I have needed so many people. Have those people needed me?

How do I honor those relationships while letting go of the ones who don’t serve me anymore and vice versa because my time and energy is so so limited. And I need to create space and time and energy for those relationships that do.

I like what Jon said at his Holiday party! Once you’re invited, you’re invited for life except for rare circumstances.

I want something like that each year to keep maintaining my relationships. Is that my birthday though? What do I want to do for my birthday? Acquaintances / potential friends. Friends but not close friends. Casual friends.

A thing that came to me recently is that when I set the terms of what a good friend was, and then was able to live up to those expectations, I felt confident. I felt like – I know I am doing what I believe is a good friend – and so I felt able to stand up for myself or express boundaries.

I am valuable. I am doing these things. And you are not meeting me there. I could explain what those things are.

That was interestingly my challenge with teaching. It was so clear to that my expectations for being a good teacher and what I was actually able to do/ accomplish – the skill, the practice of it – I was so far from that! That constant disappointment.

With that, I want to think about what is a good friend.

A good friend is

• someone who checks in on you
• who accepts you and allows you to be yourself, to make mistakes, to learn, to feel your feelings
• who reciprocates the effort that you put into the relationship and if there is a mismatch in effort is able to communicate about this to adjust the expectations of the relationship so that it is healthy for both people and is able to understand that people change and not take the inability to not put the same level of effort in personally
• respects your boundaries and if they feel like a boundary has been crossed puts the effort in to talk about it and repair harm/learn from it
• who cares about you and want you to be healthy, safe, valued, loved, and accomplish your goals and dreams even if it requires you to not be as close or go on different paths
• remembers things that are important to you, or if they forget, apologizes and is understanding when you remind them
• puts in the effort to support your weaknesses and understand your call for help patterns and help you get the help you need

I have been thinking a lot about the line, “I choose my relationships wisely and nurture them intentionally.”

Birthdays and holidays and family and friends and dating make me think a lot about this. The practice of this.

I like the thought that right now I am exploring the relationships that I would like to commit to. I have a spreadsheet of friends and I have said – that I would like to pick 5 to 7 people in Los Angeles – the inner circle that help me meet my emotional, practical, and informational needs, and conversations with them. Ask some questions so that can commit to each other and help each other with our needs. And that I can have relationship building routines where I see them weekly if not daily depending.

That is who I want to spend my birthday with, and how I want to spend it. Having those conversations one on one with those people. And seeing if they want that kind of relationship with me too!

I do love having a birthday party and inviting all levels of friends over all the times to gather and appreciate them, and that they still got a friend in me, and vice versa!

But when? I was thinking the picnic. That’s probably what I will do!

Picnic! I was loving the idea of bringing back Stir Friday or Sunday dinner! I think I will do that. Sunday lunch though. Do I do my chores at night or in the morning. I gotta decide. But that’s what I am going to do. My family. A monthly gathering. For the year! An experiment. I will put it in the calendar until June! Although I am doing Swing Dancing so it’s gotta be before then! Cool cool. Sammy girl!

That’s teh birthday present! Come to one of them! Okay. That’s helpful. Friends, friends of friends.

Okay, I really gotta eat lunch but this has been so good. I also think about updating the MOU with some people, to let them go. I need to do that.