Literary Pixie

By Sammy Ginsberg

This morning, I was journaling and started to brainstorm my social media manifesto and boundaries. Who I tell what and when. Levels of vulnerability and levels of closeness. I wanted to document this process of thinking because I would love your feedback and ideas.

I’m working on my relationship inventory, which will feed into how I use social media, who I actively invite to my birthday, and who I passively invite to my birthday (by sending a mass email to my email list, as well as posting on Instagram).

Something that I keep coming back to is that relationships are not fixed. Closeness comes in and out. Death changes relationships. People move. People have life events that you can’t relate to. People change! How do we use social media in a way that feels flexible to these changes?

It is rooted in the culture of the BFF! Best Friends Forever! The BFF is one person. One person who is your life partner, like a Husband. The BFF and the Husband.

Unlike family, where your parents are always genetically your parents, and same with your siblings. That can’t change. The health of your relationships, the function of your relationship, and the closeness of your relationship does change.

I remember in high school a feeling of stagnation. I know for a fact that I had grown out of my friend group, but felt trapped. I was not allowed to make new friends, I was not allowed to choose to drink instead of study and be a good girl. I tried to! And was shamed. All the things I wanted to do, they said no!

I gave up. Started to become depressed. Started to hide things from them. Withdraw. I did find a friend who could relate. We went to different elementary schools and had different elementary and middle school friend groups, but were in the same AP and Honors classes.

We both wanted to explore and do things that our core groups did not, but found that they were judgmental and controlling. The queen bee got to decide, and we were not queen bee, nor did we want to fight for it.

Thus, we started to hang out just the two of us, and eventually changed schools together. We said it was for academics (it was Monday to Thursday 1pm to 6:30pm and we got to take community college classes!! Thus graduating as a sophomore in college! Also it was 100% essay based), but we knew it was really because of friendship.

We wanted to make new friends. Friends that allowed us to grow in the direction we wanted to grow in, who wanted to go on the adventure together! Who said yes to our crazy ideas! Who made us feel safe and accepted and valuable. Who didn’t constantly remind us that we weren’t part of the core hierarchy (aka the three girls who had been best friends since Pre-K).

Who were able to practice the 5 As of Love (allowing, appreciation, acceptance, affection, and attention).

Even my friend and I who changed schools together struggled to practice the 5 As, as we had not learned them from our families. For me, I learned about them in books, in TV and movies, or from the relationships I made during my summer travels!

I had never felt so loved as I did living in Cerro Bueno, La Paz, Honduras as part of Amigos De Las Americas. It was scary how much happier I thought people were there, despite living in mud huts with barely any electricity and no computers or food or wifi!

They didn’t have distractions. To give and receive the five A’s requires no money! No tools! No things! Just words. Just actions. Just presence. Just a human.

It does require you to be in person. Which nowadays we so rarely are.

So many of our most important relationship building communication happens on social media! On digital tools. Like sharing our life events! Getting engaged, pregnancies, babies!! All done either in a post, in text message, or in a call, or video call!

This is the modern world.

In the past, we didn’t have these choices. You could tell in person, or send a letter, or put it in the newspaper. That’s it! And then the information would be spread by word of mouth, again this is one human telling another human being. And you could either make this information private or public, or a violation of boundaries – betrayal/ gossiping.

This is why the obituary section and the weddings section was so important! There was a local paper, a regional paper, a city paper, and a national paper. That was it! All those people were most likely in conversation with each other.

Then the telegram was invited! So that would be super big and urgent information.

Then the phone.

Then the video/movie!

Then the TV.

Then the computer.

The voicemail!

Then email.

Then the cell phone.

Then the smart phone.

Then social media, first MySpace and Blogger, then Facebook, then Youtube, then Instagram, LinkedIn, Twitter, then SnapChat, then WhatsApp, then TikTok. Eventbrite. And now Partiful! Google Calendar!

AH! I could look up the dates, but I’m not gonna.

Okay, so we have all these tools to communicate essentially the same fucking information.

Because being human has not changed. The life events have not changed.

It’s the same life functions! The same life events! The feelings have definitely not changes. The needs humans have have not changed!

Or if anything they are changing – in a scary way. In a narcissistic, psychopath direction. Where we use other humans for our own gain. We lack compassion. We lack empathy. We lack patience.

Also – using all these tools to manage relationships and personal information REQUIRES energy. It is using limited resources!! It is destroying the planet. It is not being done in a sustainable way. It is causing droughts and cancer and suicide. It is causing civil wars and dictatorships and idols.

This is human. This shit is not new. Every generation of humans have caused these types of events, did they learn from them? Did they pass down the wisdom? How can we learn? How can we adapt?

We live in a time of forgetting and distraction.

And yet, all of the new tools and science show us that was is most important to our health, what is most meaningful use of our time – is through relationships. Friends, family, memory-making. Community. Meaningful, positive impact in the lives of the humans that live near us.

We are living in a time where relationships are not supposed to take effort, intention, and commitment. That is only for the things we have to do to make money! (As I write that, I’m about to burst into fucking tears). And not just make enough money to live.

It has to be RICH! You can’t just pay your bills and have a basic life. You have to aspire to be WEALTHY. To have LUXURY!! To afford luxury. To have CONTROL. POWER. SPACE. TO be WORSHIPPED. To have an easy life, where you don’t have to think so much. To reflect. You can do whatever you want and not have to be affected by the consequences of your actions.

I write this in Los Angeles having grown up in Calabasas – the epitome of these values. Of these goals and aspirations. Of people who succeeded in them! And who taught them to their children.

Anyhow, how does this connect into the different types of relationships and social media?

Well, social media is a tool for sharing our values. For sharing personal information.

What we post is what we value. What we focus on and give attention to. It is a tool for attention. It is a tool that we use to give the 5 As to our relationships: affection, attention, acceptance, allowing, and appreciation. It is a tool that allows us to find the people who care about what we care about, who love we love, who value what we value, who are learning what we are learning.

We used to have schools. We used to have clubs. We used to have institutes. But those have become luxury items, unaffordable for the average person or located inconveniently to the point that they are now offering classes using social media tools instead of in-person.

The price of living has become so high because every single function of our society, all of the labor has become a commodity. Emotional labor used to be free, used to be only done by women and the elderly/retired. Now it’s fucking everyone! And it’s all the labor. Nothing is safe. Childcare, therapy. Privatization and commodification.

How do we live in this world? How do I afford Los Angeles?

I have enough saved up that I could move to a different city and buy a spot and work in a school, teach the same things, and make the same amount of money.

No where in Southern California is affordable. Or at the expense of my relationships. Although that is already happening.

As I write this, I kind of want to live somewhere else. Where making money from your creativity and becoming wealthy, famous, or a job that’s fun/your passion is not the goal. To be able to make art all day long, and that your art is so valuable to society that it’s all you need to do.

You don’t need to do any other work.

Is that the goals of people who live here? I wonder what their goals are? The end goal. What is mine? Do I want to be wealthy, famous, or do my passion?

I want to play a role in updating the infrastructure of our society into the 21st century. I want the basic resources one needs to be healthy and sustainable accessible to all humans, specifically education and communication skills.

Social media is here. AI is here. Computers are here. TV is here. Movies are here. Phones are here. Texting is here. We have the technology. We will always have the technology.

These are tools. How do we use them in healthy ways?

How do we use them in ways that improve our quality of life? That have a positive impact in world? That lessen suffering?

The idea of a friend is interesting. I’ve gone back to friend and being a good person.

What can you ask for a friend. Acquaintances and best friends and friends.

For me, to be considered a friend – we must have gone for coffees/meals one-on-one a couple of times with mutual initiation and reciprocity, and invited engaged in multiple active hangouts that we both thought were fun.

Friendship is a one on one relationship that is a chosen commitment.

Acquaintances are people I have seen in group settings and third spaces.

Colleagues are people that I have working relationships with.

Following someone on Facebook or Instagram is also something you consciously choose. You can choose to follow them or not. You can choose to watch their content or not.

The thing on Instagram is also follow brands and communities. I can choose to follow those too! Or not follow. What communities do I choose to follow. I also have been using it for international communities, or learn what is going on elsewhere. But I don’t have to. Or that can be a different profile or tool.

You can have a baseline friendship that changes over time.

• How much fun/quality time do we have together?
• How are we able to support each other?
• How well do they know me?
• How deep are our conversations?
• How much do we collaborate and work together?
• How inspiring are you for me?