By Sammy Ginsberg
GARRRRPPP! WAhh! I got off the phone with my mother and she really triggered me. Like twice!
I called her last week and she said, “Okay, tell me how work is going. That’s all I really care about.” So I updated her about work.
And then today, I called her and was telling her that things are going well but I feel like I am working ALL the time and that I’m not able to have meaningful relationships with friends, family, or even date to have my own fucking family and I’m feeling lonely and frustrated and I’m 32!!!, and that I am doing this for now – but that I can’t do this for the long term.
She was trying to convince me to return to full time teaching as an English teacher. “The money is so much better Samantha! You’re not going to be paid at all this summer!”
The thing I am finding so fucking infuriating is that I resigned as a teacher because I burnt out from working all the time and investing all my energy in being a good teacher, but found that my bucket was not only empty – but was filled with holes!!
On top of that – many people don’t understand, but like – moving somewhere new and making friends takes time! n top of that – it takes not being in fucking survival mode. I’ve been in the yellow zone again. A lot! Like I’m not going back down.
I’m feeling a lot of guilt. I am feeling a lot of disappointment. Teaching is going okay tbh and I love my teacher group – it is my life outside of work – and how now that I’m fucking exhausted from work – my personal life and relationships do not recharge me. I’m feeling a lot of guilt and disappointment. It’s an intimacy gap. I started reading Frientimacy to focus on this.
And this was the root fucking cause of my fucking burn out. That teaching is a draining job, and I need to recharge after work in my personal life – but instead my personal life is just more draining. I have so many issues with saying no. And also wanting to be around close friends multiple times a week and family – and doing life stuff together. A level of commitment.
When I told her about how this isn’t going to be long-term, she said, “You just gotta do the work!”
“That’s short-term thinking I said! That’s how I burnt out four fucking times!” Also – I didn’t say this, but I think it is so much easier to work all the time when you are married and have kids – because you’ve already checked the boxes that society expects of you – and also when you are working, you are doing it supported by your family whose lives are built around you – and because you are fucking responsible for taking care of those people and you need the money!
I don’t have a partner or kids. The only person I am responsible for is myself and I’m fucking tired and depleted!
That’s how things ended with my mom. I said, “I am different than you, with different needs. I will not do what is traditional, and I will do what I need to do, and I know you wouldn’t do what I’m doing in this situation, but we are different people.”
I just felt like – damn, this woman does not understand me. She does not understand my vision and why I am doing what I am doing. She does not see me. She’s always telling me how to live my live – but she doesn’t understand how my life is different than hers – that the world that she knows and grew up in and currently lives in is not the same world as mine.
Do I understand my Mom? Do I see her? Do I understand her vision and why she is doing what she is doing?
And back to the fucking root of my frustration! I wanted to use this year to heal, to repair – to address the root cause of my burn out. And instead, I’m not! I’m doing the same fucking shit. I’m just working all the time, and turning all my relationships into work relationships.
Although I do love this shut up and write group and feel so much better being here. But there is a difference between working and doing what you love with people who love it to.
The problem isn’t work – it’s recharging. It’s the guilt and the disappointment. Which are fucking boundary issues.
Because I care about my friends and I want to see them more and do more things together, but also our lives and interests don’t overlap that much anymore and also I don’t have the capacity to care for so many people – my work is overwhelming – the amount of relationships I am managing. They can’t help me in my work. They can’t help me get my life needs met. I can’t just rest with them. For me to truly rest- I need to have comfort in the regularity and routine. Knowing that it’s weekly. That I don’t always have to be in a good mood. That we are both resting and finding it restful.
I need to have some commitment conversations with my friends and family. I want to do some interviewing! I feel tempted to send this blog post to my mom. But no — what questions are you going to ask your mom to share?
Healthy relationship expectations & commitments interview questions:
Okay – that’s another blog post.
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