By Sammy Ginsberg
I am feeling so burnt out. Today, I lost it in Period 5. I feel my boundaries are being violated and my nervous system and needs are not being met, and I’m running on fumes. Cried Saturday and Monday and now today.
Students were being so disrespectful in Period 5, and the talk with the administrator had me so anxious. People are inviting me to things that I’d usually enjoy going to, but I don’t want to go. Book and poetry events seem like superfluous egotistical luxuries, just a one-way exchange of giving attention to some writer or artist or poet. Even charity events and volunteering. I can’t volunteer because I need help.
It’s frustrating overhearing students complaining about me and them being so disrespectful. Entitled to my time and energy, while they barely do their work in class. Taking my chargers and leaving a mess.
Their attitudes are so challenging. So many bad habits! Today my period 3 were little angels though. But then my period 5! I got so triggered when this student was mimicking me while I was being overstimulated because of how hostile and disrespectful the students were.
This also connects to my friendships though and family relationships. I thought to call them up to help me process today, and I knew that they wouldn’t help me feel better or process what happened or listen to me and help me process my feelings. They would just tell me what they think I should do or tell me to quit or give up or that’s why they aren’t a teacher – and then invite me to do something that doesn’t actually support my goals and priorities or help me take care of myself.
And then if/ when I express that’s not what I need, they’ll just give me space and tell me I can’t communicate. While I leave feeling like I can’t rely on that friend. And then I isolate myself from that friend and choosing to invest my time in other places, while still maintaining the relationship and trying to be there for them, yet still having not forgiven them.
I’m so tired from work that the money feels worthless because I can’t do anything with it. I’m too tired to do what I want with my time. I am trying to use my money to start a nonprofit to support teachers of English and teachers of writing, to help others like me – because like I said – I need help.
Because when I am able to teach what I love and see that joy in my students, I feel like I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.
I came home and just sat and watched Murder She Wrote, and wished I could escape this life I’m living. Go to some small town in Arkansas and have a real intimate community and family. Where I could have a less stressful job so that I could embrace and enjoy my life. I felt much more able to do that while working as a bookseller. I felt like myself.
Not always disciplining. I gotta read the No-Drama Discipline book. I am getting so so so dysregulated. And How to Talk so Teens Will Listen. These kids – well things were better in all the periods. Just Period 5! And all the teachers are so supportive! And the administrators. And counselors. I do feel supported.
UPDATE! I called my teacher-friend and mentor, and she listened and helped me process the information and I feel so much better.
I am figuring out what to do next. Do we launch into the nonprofit? Do we find a full-time teaching job? I can’t be a long-term substitute for the long-term. I think we should go to yoga! And have tea and read. Tomorrow we have our writing group. I will work tomorrow night! I think I need to catch up on grades and prepare for parent-teacher conferences.
Can we improve the culture and discipline and community building in my classes? Can I do things that bring me more joy into my classes?
Can I do the WRAP Independent Reading? Can I add some poetry and creative writing into the class!? Can I have my friend do improv with the students?
Let’s be Sammy! Let’s give them the big picture! Fuck it – we’re on the verge of leaving LAUSD and quitting teaching altogether. Let’s do it!!
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