Literary Pixie

By Sammy Ginsberg

Dude! I’ve been spiraling. Things are hard again, and am planning my escape. Will things get better? Sammy – moving can be a form of self-abandonment. What is it that I want?

Things are going to get better. They are.

I’ve been having this deep conversation with myself about teaching and the literary arts community in Los Angeles, as well as just the quality of life in Los Angeles compared to the UK – and how accessible healthcare, housing, and education are compared to Los Angeles and how because these are hard to access, so too are loving relationships with healthy, happy people who aren’t thinking about survival and money.

Also – I’ve been here for 6 years, and I feel like I’m still struggling for friendship. I say surrounded by like 20 people writing in a cafe! Oh if Sammy last year could see me now. What I really want is to deepen my relationships with people. What I am doing though, when I put it out there- when I take action and make it happen. I have found people to do it with me, who want what I want.

Am I leaving just before things get good? Before I get over the hurdle? Do I just need a break?

I am trying to make a logical choice. To explore my options.

I want to communicate about these ideas I’m having about Los Angeles and the literary community and teaching – but I want to do it well, slowly with feedback.

Are the people I need for the feedback here? Oh my god. They are.

Going back to my stability plan.

Let’s reflect:

Housing

I have stable housing! And Wyatt wants to live together next year too in Los Feliz if I choose to stay.

Lifestyle

This keeps changing. My list of Lifestyle expectations has changed. Let’s edit it. I’ve made a new post for it. I think my goals were unrealistic, I need to edit them.

Purpose and Contribution

This feels so stable!! Which is actually quite thrilling. I want to improve the infrastructure of support for writers and teachers of writing while writing and teaching writing. I am passionate about education, about teaching health and social emotional skills through writing community. We launched the nonprofit. Well, we finished the paperwork – well my Dad is going to!! So it’s happening. Oh that reminds me!!

I just wish I had more time for this work, because my teaching job is not only taking up most of my time but is actively exhausting me and preventing me from having the relationships I need in my personal life to enjoy my life. Although today was a good day, and I am doing both things.

Relationships

This has been the thing sending me into a spiral. That I’m teaching and teaching and working and working – my poetry/writing activism and infrastructure is also work and people keep asking me for things, but like there is no intimacy and depth to our relationship. It is transactional. It is nice to have value, but I was doing this for friends. And none of this is paying me.

Also, yeah! Like I’ve been missing my ex-boyfriends in a way that is unhealthy. I think part of why I want to move back to London is because I want to date Calvin again! Like it’s been almost ten years!! NOOO Sammy!

Daihachi, Calvin, Andrew – the three that broke up with me – that my heart is still open for, the ones that got away. They were wrong. We could have been beautiful. I have been fantasizing about my future life partner and family, and how wonderful it will be.

This is the real reason I think to move back to London. To see my Grandma every week, and live with Radhaika and visit Vera and Rochelle and Dani and Joanna and Phoebe and Olivia and Hannah and Sarah and Bradley, to be back with Calvin – Friday dinners just like we did after we reunited after years. How he fit right in, the way I wanted a partner. Fridays after yoga, dinner, chats, and more. Ohhhh will we this summer?

I’ll have healthcare and an affordable spot to live, and I’ll travel to LA for winter and summer. I’ll teach in London – and it will be lovely. Work as the schools coordinator for Festivals or a teaching assistant or just a fucking teacher, and it will be marvelous.

The way I had envisioned my life before I had a mental breakdown and started therapy. That’s how it felt when I met up with Calvin. It felt like my life going back on track. Isn’t that a weird feeling to have?

Oh no I’m looking at schools in London and I found an ideal one. I think I could call.

Okay – that’s not the point. You have to do some research and decide what you want:

Money is the issue because you want to do things that don’t pay, but your current job is too exhausting to do all the things you want to do. Is it worth it? Do I teach for a year, and stock pile. We’ve never been one to wait. Do I apply for PhDs? Teach for a year and then apply for PhDs when you’re in the UK?

Okay, I’m finding opportunities that I feel really excited about.

Okay- I worked on it and I’m doing better than I thought. Just more FUN!!