By Sammy Ginsberg
Watching Murder She Wrote on Amazon Prime last night, an advertisement came on about moving to Oklahoma. While none of the other ads spoke to me, this one did. Should I move to Oklahoma?
I said it out loud, “Should I move to Oklahoma?” and the next commercial break, it ran again. Did the TV hear me?
This morning, I decided to research. Oklahoma Poetry Festival. I found one in Ada, OK. One-bedroom apartment is $675 a month. To buy a four-bedroom house is $139,000. Interesting. Could I get a job at the local university? It’s very possible.
This again makes me think about the purpose of life. What is a happy life? Will my problems really be solved by cheaper rent and buying a house as affordable?
Will I be able to find a partner and make friends in a college town of 17,000 people instead of a county of 40 million?
Last night, eating dinner at the grocery store Lazy Acres – after spending 6 years trying to build a life that I’m happy enough in Los Angeles – I just felt like, it’s not possible. This city does not value what I value, and thus the people who love it here, who are attracted to this city – we are out of alignment. It is hard to be cut from the same cloth.
There just feels like an infinite stream of people and distractions, and that the definition of success here is not my definition of success, and so I will always be a failure.
Often, the definition of success is – to make a living as an artist, or to make enough money to buy a mansion and drive my dream car, or to be famous or powerful, or rich. “To build wealth.” To be hot and to be paid for being hot. To work for Netflix or Disney or one of these entertainment companies based in LA.
I got into an argument with my brother about this. He said that my definition of success was not good. His is, “To go to Costco and buy whatever he wants without having to look at the price tag.”
To be honest, if that is his definition, then he is doing the right thing living in the Valley walking distance from a Costco as a software engineer making over six figures.
But that is not my definition.
When asked, I said, “To live in alignment with my values.” Amanda said, “To be financially secure, happy, and in love.” She is in her first romantic relationship and is over the moon, and she is an accountant – which is a job for those who value financial security.
But me. I’m the one who has been chronically unhappy in LA for six years.
To live in alignment with my values, what does that mean?
On this blog on the about page, I share my values. I thought a lot about them after my first burn out episode in 2019. They are respect, genuineness, wellness, love, relationships, purpose, play, inclusivity, community.
Yep, these are still them. This is what motivated me to be a teacher, as a teacher I am doing these things every day for my job. And yet, I come home, and these are not the values of my city.
Wellness is a luxury that I can’t afford.
Play also costs money, my writing classes and art classes require driving. Or the people who want to play will only play if we sell what our play for money so that they can play for a living.
Community also costs money, or is conditional. The minute you say something people don’t like or make a mistake, you are canceled, shamed, bullied with no restorative justice. To attend the events that are community, you have to pay to enter. There are no drinks after, there is no dinner, or if there is – it is exclusive. But you didn’t go to college with them so there isn’t room in the group for you.
And when you share that the event doesn’t work for your sleep schedule, because you are a teacher, or it’s too long, or it’s overstimulating – they say, why are you trying to make the event about you? Just don’t go then. Make your own thing up.
Oh I am so exhausted of this place, this place that is so hard for me to live by my values. The one thing is, I have not been very genuine. I am afraid to be. Because my genuine feelings about this place and thoughts, are so negative! I fucking hate this place. Shit. I’m gonnna be late for work. Bye!
Okay, I don’t hate it- I care so much about itttt and wish it could meet my needs, but it can’t!!!
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