Literary Pixie

By Sammy Ginsberg

Wednesday, April 1

I am reading about boundaries. I have realized that the reason I am back in this situation is because my boundaries are too weak and I keep getting harmed.

This is the situation in my classroom, as well as with work boundaries and even with friends and family. I am saying yes to too many people and not able to prioritize my needs. I need a few people I feel super close with and to see them weekly and chat regularly. Like 3 to 5! Instead my list of people is sooooo long. And I don’t feel close enough to any of them.

You can still have lots of friends while prioritizing a few relationships. You’re still a feminist! Treating people equitably not equally. Bespoking your relationships. Fuck my hearing is so weird. I hope it improves before the guy I’m having coffee with arrives.

I am needing to center my Sammy time, as well as set boundaries with my students and work situation. My stress levels are not going down.

I think my long-term solution is to aim for the dream. To set up 21st Century Writers! Dude that meeting with Brian was amazing. Delightful. Joyous. I need to apply for part-time lecturer positions. It would give me the time and authority and community to do the work I want to do

So interesting. I had this epiphany that what I keep asking for is a part-time teaching job. Can’t I make substitute teaching that right now? What’s stopping me?

Friday, April 3

I am reading Better Boundaries Workbook, and it is really helping me. Like damn! This is what the parenting books want me to do, to set boundaries with kids and myself and just fucking everyone in my life. To teach kids how to learn their boundaries and communicate assertively about them.

I have learned a lot from this book, especially that this is why I keep burning out. Keep feeling overwhelmed and resentful and tired and frustrated and disappointed and taken advantage of. I will say, I think some of this is because I was raised as a girl, and girls are taught to sacrifice their own needs for those of the community, of the family, of their husband and children. That is our role and has been our role in a Patriarchical society for centuries.

How do you get someone to sacrifice their live (it was a 1.2% chance in the 1700s) or to willingly go through lots of pain and not work on their contribution to society for a couple of years? You trick them into thinking that is their contribution to society. Duh! That is your job!

Although now we’ve gone in a weird direction because gifting a human into our society is a contribution, but now we think of doing that as an incredibly selfish act! And the only people who give birth are either narcissistic (which honestly some are -aka ELON!) or ignorant.

I don’t know how we got here, I have so much to do.

Back to what I have learned about boundaries and how I am going to set some today so I can do what I need to do and take care of myself and not feel overwhelmed and resentful and taken advantage of.

1. Setting a boundary is about self-protection, and not trying to control others. It is impossible to control other people.
2. Everyone deserves to have their personal rights respected, and their responsibility is to respect other people’s personal rights. See personal rights below.
3. A critical part of boundary setting is self-knowledge, knowing who you are, what you need, what you like and dislike, etc. She gives a great list of questions to develop this insight, and recommends keeping a like and dislike table to add to as you go throughout life.
4. There is a four step process to setting boundaries. It is trial and error, and requires reflection and patience. It is centered around what is the problem, how do you know it’s a problem (the feeling), what is the need that is not being met. What need do you have, how will you feel when it is met, what do you need to do or have done to have that need met? Implement the boundary, and reflect- did it work? Do you feel better? Was the need met? Was that even the correct need or was it something else? This is a process and a journey. Have to be super specific!
5. I didn’t get to the chapter about violations, but gosh I need to because my chronic stress is about chronic violations to my boundaries by people I have to see every day (my students, colleagues, as well as friends and family who I am not able to communicate assertively with). What pisses me off the most about that is that instead of helping me to communicate assertively and asking me questions to help better understand – they just tell me that I have communication issues, that until I can ask for what I need to not bring it up to them, to go to therapy some more and that we need just need space! It’s like bitch. When a baby is little, we have to teach them how to communicate. It takes patience! Clearly you didn’t learn how to communicate either, which is why you are throwing my humanness in my face. And saying it’s a flaw of mine. This is probably what your parents said to you. What frustrates me the most is that people are willing to put the effort in to bridge the communication gap in romantic relationships, but are quick to walk away in friendship – decades of friendship. And with family, it seems to just fester. Like you stay in the relationship, but to ask your family member to put in the effort to change is fucking narcissistic, selfish, controlling, unrealistic and so you fucking move to another country but then you burn out again, your friendships and romantic relationships recreate your family dynamic and you end up having a mental breakdown and come home, come home, and the cycle begins again and again and again. Ugh okay that was me venting.
6. Anyhow – I cannot control other people. I have to be assertive. I do oddly have much more power and influence over my students and co-teachers and colleagues. If I can get them to understand, then I will have a job with money and stability, and then I can focus on my other relationships.
7. If I can’t get them to understand, then I will have to find another job. Well that’s where I am at. After five years of trying to figure out the boundaries with teaching, my health and stress. But what I am gonna share with my students is what I need to share with my other relationships.
8. Okay. hahah this isn’t a list of boundaries, but what do I need to teach myself and them? What are the boundaries.

Personal Rights

1. I have the right to be treated with kindness and respect.
2. I have the right to say no.
3. I have the right to change my mind.
4. I have the right to be physically and emotionally safe.
5. I have the right to my own thoughts, feelings, values, and beliefs.
6. I have the right to happiness and pleasure.
7. I have the right to rest.
8. I have the right to privacy.
9. I have the right to share or not share my possessions.
10. I have the right to decide what’s best for me.
11. I have the right to distance myself from or end relationships with negative or hartful people.
12. I have the right to pursue my goals.
13. I have the right to set boundaries.

What does this personal right look like in your daily life? In our classroom?

Self-Insight Questions

1. What are you good at? What are your strengths? How can you use them?
2. What are your short-term goals? Long-term goals?
3. Who matters most to you?
4. Who can you go to for support or help?
5. What do you like to do for fun?
6. What do you value?
7. What do you believe in?
8. Where or when do you feel safest?
9. What or who gives you comfort?
10. What are you passionate about?
11. What are you grateful for?
12. How do you know that you’re feeling stressed or upset?
13. How do you learn best (doing, watching, listening, reading)?
14. What makes you feel respected?
15. What makes you feel loved?
16. What makes you feel safe?

Okay, I created two worksheets for my students that we are going to complete over the weeks.

The other tool I loved was this graphic organizer to go through. She says to pick one problem or situation at a time and set boundaries. I need to do that. The biggest one is work. Because it is cutting into my ability to set boundaries in my personal life. I would like that too.

I am going to do this work privately, but I wanted to share what I am learning about boundaries with you!

Perhaps in the next one, you’ll see updates.

Also I’m getting my ears cleaned in an hour. I need to eat and put my final set of ear drops in.

I was thinking to use the dimensions of stability list to focus on certain situations. It’s also time to break relationships up into the multiple sections that it is – friends, family, colleagues, romantic relationship, life partners, neighbors, community, etc.

When will I make the Feminist Toilet zine? This weekend.

Okay time to go. I have time – yoga classes and meeting Laura at 8pm. Gotta communicate with Brayton!

Sammy