By Sammy Ginsberg
I’m trapped in a cycle of doing too much and people not understanding what I am doing and how to help. I am overwhelmed and disorganized. I am trying to do too much, I am feeling guilty and no one cares. I am not taking care of myself and prioritizing what I need and becoming resentful and used and frustrated.
I hate how big social media makes the world feel. Overwhelmed by choice and paralyzed. So very paralyzed. I want to make the world small and manageable. A collaboration.
Everything feels completely disconnected from place! It is discombobulating. And a prioritizing of things I don’t value. I am wanting to live in a village.
I wrote this morning:
I want the village life. I want to come home to a partner, and a family, with a core group of 3 to 5 friends, and a job with trusted people where I feel like I am doing meaningful work. I want a city or even just a neighborhood where I can meet my needs and do what I want. A cute grocery store, time to cook and enjoy my meals, and meal prep, yoga community, and hiking, and my poetry events, and writing nights, and a bookstore with readings that I go to – just one poetry community, one arts scene, one music scene, one theater scene. Not competing, but complimenting. Serving the same small group of people. One local paper that covers it all!
Where my partner inhabits the same world as me. Lives in the neighborhood, shares the same third spaces, is part of my community. Our community. That we are committed to building this life together, even friends. Providing critical support and infrastructure. And that friends and family who don’t fit into this life, we have annual routines and rituals that allow us to stay connected and support each other .
That the infrastructure is shared. Carried by many people. Not just one. That I feel a sense of collaboration rather than carrying people. Or being on the defense. or competition.
LA has a city has no boundaries. It feels too big and dysfunctional. I think the whole world may be this way though. I’m grateful for Alex helping me clean my house. It was amazing and beautiful. I’m sad I missed the poetry event last night.
I felt like he didn’t understand of support what I was building. Although he says he does. Things were better after we talked.
Or do I just need to move to a better functioning city. I have to make the world small again. To prioritize the neighborhood. I’ve been feeling a lot of things recently. Full-time teaching burnt me out. I could do nothing else but teach, and that was it. Everything fell apart. This is why I don’t want to keep teaching.
I am feeling the fallout of that. Everything for fun feeling like work, feeling not meeting my needs. Wanting a collaboration.
What if I once again focus on Los Feliz. On the simple life. Easier to say no! Set boundaries. Communicate with people. I am setting my boundaries!
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