Just finished reading the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, and omg!
A. It has the longest subtitle ever!
B. It was the missing puzzle piece.
Nowadays everyone be throwing around “attachment style” language. I too was calling myself disorganized (or anxious-avoidant) after taking a quiz online and some reflecting. Only 3 to 5% of the population! I know. And yet, I had never read THE OG book. Well the most popular book with over two million copies sold (as printed in bright red on the cover!).
Just because 2 million people read it doesn’t mean it’s gonna connect to me. TBH I probably haven’t bothered to read this book because 2 million people read it. This also happened to me with Hamilton and Barbie.
But alas, five years into my therapy journey I finally picked it up and aha. This was the book I’d been looking for. After reading it, I feel more committed to nurturing a secure romantic partnership, I understand my past behaviors and why those relationships didn’t work out, and I have the language, tools, and strategies to create one. It’s brilliant!
FYI, Attached is definitely ONLY about romantic relationships. Some ideas could be connected to other types of relationships, but I imagine there are better books out there.
The book starts by giving the science of attachment. I found this study about relationships shocking:
“Brian Baker, a psychiatrist and researcher at the University of Toronto, studies psychiatric aspects of heart disease and hypertension, and, in particular, the way in which marital discord and job strain affect blood pressure. In one of his studies, Dr. Baker found that if you have a mild form of high blood pressure, being in a satisfying marriage is good for you; spending time in the presence of your partner actually benefits you by lowering your blood pressure to healthier levels. If, on the other hand, you are not satisfied with your marriage, contact with your partner will actually raise your blood pressure, which will remain elevated as long as you are in physical proximity! (33)”
Amir Levine and Rachel S.f. Heller
Yes, you are reading that right!! Having a romantic partnership with someone who doesn’t meet your emotional and well-being needs is scientifically bad for you. It can increase your likelihood of heart disease and weaken your immune system. Wowweee!!!
Often when I was in a relationship with someone who was not meeting my emotional needs, I comforted myself with the fact that there were some good moments, far and few, but there. I also thought that my emotional needs didn’t matter that much, and that I was just very sensitive with unrealistic expectations for romantic relationships!
Now, I feel very validated that my emotional needs and well-being are important within a relationship, and that I am not being needy or selfish by expressing those things. More than that, if someone does not respect those needs, they are the red flag, not me. And they probably have an avoidant attachment style. Obviously, you have to also meet their emotional needs and care about their well-being! But yes, it’s better for my health to end things than to stay in the relationship hoping one day they’ll change.
On the flip side of that, another piece of research made me swoon! Imagine having someone who can do this for you, who you could be for someone else!
“Dr. James Coan is the director of the Affective Neuroscience Laboratory at the University of Virginia. He investigates the mechanisms through which close social relationships and broader social networks regulate our emotional responses. In this particular study, which he conducted in collaboration with Richard Davidson and Hillary Schaefer, he used functional MRI technology to scan the brains of married women. While these women were being scanned, Dr. Coan and his colleagues simulated a stressful situation by telling them they were about to receive a very mild electric shock.
Normally, under stressful conditions the hypothalamus becomes activated. And indeed this is what happened in the experiment to the women when they were alone awaiting the shock – their hypothalamus lit up. Next, they tested the women who were holding a stranger’s hand while they waited. This time the scans showed somewhat reduced activity in the hypothalamus. And when the hand that the women held was their husband’s? The dip was much more dramatic – their stress was barely detectable. Furthermore, the women who benefited most from spousal hand-holding were those who reported the highest marital satisfaction…
The study demonstrates that when two people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other’s psychological and emotional well-being. Their physical proximity and availability influence the stress response” (27).
Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller
How beautiful is that?! We are biologically linked to the people we attach, too! Just our presence could provide peace and security in a difficult time. When I read that, I immediately thought of The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. Randy is asked to hold his wife’s hand during a birth complication, and he says, in that moment he knew what his purpose was.
I knew after reading that, that I wanted to be that person for someone else and I wanted someone else to be that person for me. Nurturing that kind of relationship is one of the experiences I want while on earth.
It also makes me think about my grandparents’ different aging experiences. My Mom’s parents are divorced. My grandpa Papa Joe is very isolated and lonely and negative, while my Grandma Roz is reliant on my aunt and her widow-friends to take care of her. She did find a loving partner who was very secure, but he passed twenty years ago. My dad’s parents were married for 61 years before my grandpa passed in December this year. They were both so content together and with their lives. Reading books, watching TV, and eating a chocolate treat every night. Now my grandma is a widow, and everything is insecure. If you could guess, my mother is disorganized and my dad is secure with some avoidant behaviors.
From their different aging experiences as well as the research, I feel strongly committed to nurturing a secure partnership with another human being.
But alas, do I have a secure attachment style? Given that I decided to read this book, probably not. Five years ago, when I first learned about attachment style, I concluded that I was disorganized. I didn’t bother to read this book. I wasn’t looking for another relationship for a while. I had dated the same person three times and each time had ended with heartbreak, disappointment, and emotional betrayal. I wanted time and space to heal and reflect and focus on me. I needed to feel safe and learn to trust myself again. I decided to focus on effective communication. I read Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg, and Forgive For Good by Dr. Fred Luskin instead. Those books became my framework and supported me greatly. Especially Nonviolent Communication! That book was transformative.
It was three years before my next “boyfriend/girlfriend” relationship. Gosh, that year my mental health was so bad. I tried communicating my emotional needs, but he would tell me that I was overthinking things or too needy or making our relationship into work. I tried breaking up with him four times over the course of a year. Each time he would apologize and that he really cared about me. I felt so emotionally connected to him and cared about him, but seeing him only on the weekends wasn’t enough for me.
I went away for a week to New York for my sister’s graduation and on the plane home I read The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins, and I had decided.
I returned to the dating pool. I became so afraid of another boyfriend. I wanted to catch all the red flags before using the label, even though attachment doesn’t care about labels.
Now I’m in a new relationship and a few days ago my attachment system was triggered! I was able to calm myself down and effectively communicate, but I needed to learn more about what was happening right now! I drove to Skylight Books to pick this up immediately.
From reading Attached, I have realized that my mental health periods were directly linked to my attachment system being activated. Given my disorganized style, every time I couldn’t get my needs met in my relationships, I would withdraw and experience a depressive period. My partner would break up with me because I wasn’t the bubbly, happy person I was when he met me. I would feel abandoned. I would hide from my friends how hurt I was, because if I wasn’t happy, bubbly Sammy then they might leave, too! And then, I’d make a big life change and uproot my whole life. Sometimes changing jobs, sometimes countries!
I’ve also realized that a lot of my partners were avoidant or disorganized attachment styles – just like my parents! I have also realized that focusing on effective communication was exactly the thing to do to work on becoming a more secure partner.
The book gives some great conversation models on how to have effective communication, as well as tools and strategies to use in conflict and to identify people’s attachment styles. It also discusses how to make yourself a more secure partner. I want to put the beliefs and strategies on my bathroom mirror and turn them into my daily affirmations.
Here’s the list of secure principles (174-175):
- Be available
- Don’t interfere
- Act encouragingly
- Communicate effectively
- Don’t play games
- View yourself as responsible for your partner’s well-being
- Wear your heart on your sleeve – be courageous and honest in your interactions
- Maintain focus on the problem at hand
- Don’t make generalizations during conflict
- Douse the flame before it becomes a forest fire – attend to your partner’s upsets before they escalate.
The big thing is living like people care about you and will respect you and want the best for you, and that you do the same for them. This goes for everyone I think, not just who you’re dating!
Overall, a great read that I’ll refer to again and again. I’ll be sure to use it as a tool in communicating with my partner as I work on becoming secure.
If you’ve read it recently, love for you to comment below or email me for a coffee/zoom! I want to talk about this book with everyone.
Leave a Reply