This morning I spent thinking about jobs and money instead of prioritizing my housing. I went in circles about what I could do researching different kinds of opportunities.
I kept thinking of this TedTalk I watched yesterday while cleaning the living room about by Tracy McMillan about needing to marry yourself before you can have healthy relationships. It was great and made me think about the idea I had to interview people who have been married 3 or more times. What was the problem? Why did it keep happening? Did they figure it out?
My grandpa Papa Joe got married I think four times. He has great advice on what not to do. My grandma (his first wife) said that why her and her second husband worked is that he loved her for her, that she was her true self with him and he accepted her and loved her for it.
Isn’t that because my Grandma after getting divorced in her early 30s in 1970s, when no one got divorced – Grandma learned to love herself. She dated, but she didn’t get married again for 10 to 15 years. Actually, I really want these dates. I’ll ask her.
In Tracy McMillan’s talk she basically said that the love and security you are seeking in relationships has to be given from yourself first.
I also was thinking about the TedTalk by Alexandra Redcay about selecting the right relationship. She talked about spotting your red flags and being okay with walking away if they truly can’t meet your needs and accept you as you are. She talked about friends of hers who settled or compromised or who tried to teach these Peter Pan men and help them grow up. And that you just can’t.
She had this great quote from Mark Twain, “Never Attempt To Teach a Pig To Sing; It Wastes Your Time and Annoys the Pig.” It made me think about some of my relationships – am I trying to teach them? Can I accept them as they are right now and still get my needs met? I knew the answer.
I kept googling after that – how to identify your boundaries and red flags? What were mine? How would I know when they were crossed?
I started to put together that the reason I was on medical leave right now as a teacher was because my boundaries had been violated at work by my administrator, students, and colleagues – and that I felt emotionally threatened and not safe. I did not feel supported or skilled enough to repair the harm that had happened.
It happened at my first school. And it happened at my second now. This inability to repair this harm was why I got triggered trying to edit Year 3, why there are certain people that I was very close with who I am afraid to message or I am afraid to see them again and have cut off all contact.
It was this that also triggered my moves (different jobs, different housing situations, different cities, different friend groups).
Talking to my friend about white culture as well as how I feel ashamed of angry Sammy. I can’t express her at all. And I am resorting to passive or passive aggressive ways of trying to communicate her. That’s not true, I am really trying to be assertive instead of aggressive. This avoidant behavior this anxious behavior – going between the two.
I think the root of this and the problem with it in all relationships is this fear of rejection and abandonment, of engaging in conflict. I need to learn how to fight in healthy ways, to advocate for myself especially within the system, especially at work – but also with friends, family, roommates, and romantic partners.
I can feel it happening again. These conflicts in all areas of my life. How do I navigate conflict resolution? How do I cope when these things are not able to be resolved? How do I get the support that I need in order to actualize my full potential, in order to get my needs met and my boundaries respected?
How do I be shame resilient? The major trigger for removing myself from these toxic situations is when I am doused with shame and blame, and after working very hard to improve and listen to feedback and change myself – and realizing that it is the other person or the institution or the culture or strategies that need to change – I freak out! I send long, long letters. This can scare people.
Inundated and overwhelmed with feedback and documentation of their weaknesses and flaws. They feel attacked. They get defensive.
But I send those letters because I feel threatened, and I do not feel safe to fight with them in person. That if we do it in person – they will not listen to me, validate me, or make me feel safe. They will not be patient. They will get aggressive. They will shame me or blame me or threaten to abandon or reject me.
Thus this is where I want to focus on my Relationships Project, which is interconnected to Lifestyle. Lifestyle is basically – what are the needs that I have to live and how do I develop a system and routine to do all those things?
It is from that system and routine that I can identify what relationships I need to nourish and invest in. This will also set up my purpose and contribution. How can those needs that I have, how can I become an expert in them and provide that support to other people in my neighborhood? In my community? In society? How can I share what I am learning in a way that has value to others? Can it be an economical support so that I can pay for my lifestyle, relationship, and housing needs?
These are my thoughts and the interweaving of these principles.
Speaking of though, I am super hungry and need to do some kitchen stuff. I have my first day of my outpatient program today! I will be in a program until June 23rd. And I gotta move my car before the street cleaning stats at 12pm.
I am also going to Trivia with a friend. I love Trivia and think the perfect thing to do after therapy for four hours today is to be a human with adults and do something I find fun. What a time! What a time!
Also – I’ll update about the living room and bedroom – they look beautiful and are gifting me some peace and joy!
Oh, I am going to start by reading Art of Loving by Erich Fromm. And then I think the Self-Compassion book. I have seen it referenced in Daring Greatly and the Dr. Faith Essentials and I have seen the TedTalk. I’m gonna order it from the library.
I’ll be posting more book reviews!
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