OMG! We did it. After four years, FOUR YEARS!!! Of asking, requesting, fighting to have two curriculums to teach (instead of four, four, three, three, and THEN FOUR AGAIN! This is when I hit my ceiling!!), they offerd it to me!!!!
The battle is over, except it wasn’t just a battle. This has been a war. A four year war. With so much support! So so grateful! I could not have made it, could not have endured these last four years without your support and encouragement and reminding me that this shit is FUCKED UP. Not me! I’m a human doing my best in a fucked up situation.
Over the last months working with my therapist, he constantly reminded me that. I would start saying, “Well, I’m really sensitive. I’m just different than other people, and other people can handle this.”
“No Sammy, your situation is objectively hard and anyone in your situation would be responding the way you are responding.”
How I have fought against the idea that I am the PROBLEM. ALL messaging directed to me. You are the problem. You are not resilient enough. You are not using your coping skills enough. You need to take anti-depressants. You need to go to the gym after work. You are not focusing on the positive enough. You need to focus on what’s in your control and stop complaining all the time.
All said with good intentions. In our individualized culture, we like to put 100% of the responsibility on the one person and ignore the role of the company, the family, the system. YOU are the CRAZY one, I’m just fine.
It takes two people to have a conflict. Navigating who is responsible for what, and who needs to do the work is SUPER HARD. Hence why LAWYERS make so MUCH money in AMERICA. We literally have professionals we pay lots of money to do that for us because it is so hard!!!!
Holding people accountable and forcing people to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. To own up. Hand on the bible isn’t enough.
This has been a journey. Sammy vs LAUSD. David vs Goliath!
As I told my principal, “How can I advocate for my students if I can’t even advocate for myself.”
Well we finally did. Many tears were cried. Negative emotions expressed, repressed, channeled. Many supportive friends and family, advice, venting, encouraging, reminding, distracting. Many early mornings, many late nights, many Sundays. Many school holidays. Many nos. So many nos.
All because, I believe that my purpose on this planet with the time we’ve got is to learn how to facilitate a class where people develop the literacy skills to thrive in the 21st century! To play my small but meaningful role in improving the educational system in America to serve communities in the 21st century.
This is my one thing. I asked myself this question five years ago after the Borderline shooting and Woolsey Fire.
“If someone could walk into wherever you are right now and shoot you (and you can do nothing to prevent it) and your house could burn down right now with all your worldly possessions gone, what is the one thing with your gifts and talents and interests you can contribute to society?”
And for me, that answer was: To share my love of reading and writing and how it has allowed me to explore the world; maintain relationships with other people as well as myself; and navigate unchartered territories and obstacles.
I thought the best way to do that AND get paid with healthcare and a retirement plan was as an English teacher.
After six years going along this path, I was ready to try a new way to further this purpose of mine. As a social worker, a therapist, a librarian, a writer, a journalist, a special education teacher, a tutor. This path was not working.
I knew what I needed. I was going to build them and then return to teaching in two years dreaming of the exact schedule I’ve been offered. I was starting to envision working as a tutor and launching a nonprofit that supported ELA teachers and people with that same mission above.
Now I’ve been offered that schedule. Four fucking years I fought for the two preps. And I have it. I have it.
I will still build those resources, but now I have the money and a job where I can use those resources immediately. I can be my own angel investor.
No begging, no fundraising, no persuading. Just doing.
It’s time to do the work.
And enjoy the journey. Finally, finally! A workload that I believe is sustainable for me.
As my coach said yesterday, “Choose your hard.”
This is the hard I choose.
Leave a Reply